Another Gay Movie

You ever have that moment at a gay pride parade [or whatever] when all you’re seeing are sashaying drag queens and muscle guys in leather thongs pumping their crotches and the Schenectady Gay and Lesbian Macramé Club and guys in tiny thongs and glitter body paint and rainbow wigs shrieking “Whoop! Whoop!” with their arm over their head while they dance to Hi-NRG music? And have you ever thought, at that moment, “Wow, if a straight guy was thinking of coming out of the closet and he saw this, he would jump back in the closet for another ten years? And furthermore I think I have to kill myself the moment I get home?” Well, here’s that moment, stretched to 90 minutes and in convenient movie form.

So we open with Andy in class, staring lustily at his teacher, Mr. Puckov [Puckov, get it?] who is played by Graham Norton. This movie postulates a world in which young high school students are attracted to Graham Norton. When Andy is called to the front of the classroom, he has a boner! And his teacher sees it, rips down his pants and has sex with him in front of the whole class! But wait—it was all a dream! Then he goes home and masturbates with vegetables, apparently pleasuring himself with a carrot that he takes out and licks—hasn’t he heard of camphlobactor?—then his mother, played by a drag queen, barges in. Then his father comes in, and they’re curious about where all the vegetables go, and it turns out Andy has all of them under his covers. They also ask him why his gerbil is missing. Welcome, Ladies and Gentleman, to Another Gay Movie.

We then have some nice and pretty animated credits. Then the guys are hanging outside their high school, which seems to be the absolute gayest high school ever, and are joined by Dawn, their loud butch lesbian friend who seems to be about 34. The guys talk about how they’ve never done anal. Oh, by the way, the guys are Andy, the main one, Jerod, dark haired with a long nose, Griff, squeaky-clean blond with glasses, and Nico, squealing nellie with a shock of platinum hair who seems to have modeled his persona after Carmen Miranda, minus fruit basket. Nico is dating a clueless blind girl who has no idea that he’s gay [Funny? You decide]. That night they all go to Dawn’s fabulous L.A. home for a party. One of the guys asks to be barebacked and the guy pukes on his ass. In the morning, they declare themselves pathetic and vow to have had anal sex by summer. They all claim to be tops.

Now, as in mainstream gay society, more “macho” styles of gay men who are not interested in exclusive nightclubs and skin care products are often treated as if they SIMPLY DON'T EXIST [see: Hellbent]. There’s absolutely NOTHING to the gay world except young, pretty, hairless himbos! But this movie takes a bold departure and decides to showcase the bear community: as a bunch of obese, hairy slobs who are all wearing too-big chaps with their flabby asses hanging out and leather vests over their jockstraps. Thanks, guys! But the movie does treat one of them, the pitcher, as attractive, and the fact is that these guys will go for ANYTHING. There is a lot of showing as much as they can possibly show [the movie is unrated], so we see one of them after the penis pump goes haywire and “outrageous” stuff like that. There’s also lots of double-entendre dialogue like a croquet match in which one guy sensuously says “Feel how I grip my stick.”

Then Griff goes home and takes a nap. He has a dream that is a parody of Carrie, and I have to say it’s a fairly loving and carefully-observed parody, with replications of specific shots like the spinning under the paper stars one, the licking of the lips, and even [this impressed me] the broken paper streamer that illustrates the trajectory from bucket of blood to Carrie’s head. All of this is making me want to watch Carrie again. It ends pretty much as you can imagine, if you just try to imagine the most vulgar and unfunny thing possible.

Then there’s a scene in which this bodybuilder comes over and has a date with one of the guys, but overdoses on some party drug and collapses on the floor. This film exists in an alternate universe in which bodybuilders are attracted to skinny high school twits. The paramedics are called, and they feel up and kiss the bodybuilder’s unconscious body. They shock him, and the bodybuilder springs to life and starts dancing to the club music immediately. I have to admit that moment did make me chuckle slightly.

Then we have a parody of the American Pie sequence in which Andy makes it with a pie, and when he turns we see that he’s got a gerbil up his anus. Really? A guy who’s never done anal—is sticking a gerbil up his butt? Well, these guys went to a different high school than I did.

Then Andy finally hooks up with Mr. Puckov via the internet, where he is known as Rodzilla. He is this massive leather queen with a sling and everything, and also has a webcam where you can type in requests for him to do to his slave. Dawn and all Andy’s friends are soon watching, and they start suggesting things, like a huge [i.e. HUGE] dildo, which Andy, who you will recall has never done anal, takes without a problem. Then Andy gets underneath a glass table and Mr. Puckoff releives his bowels over his face. No doubt that’s something we all need to see.

Then Nico goes to see Survivor’s Richard Hatch, who is singing books at the local bookstore—in the nude. Somehow they arrange a date, as the next thing we see is Hatch sitting on Nico’s bed while Nico does all these bizarre dances in front of him. The whole idea of gay sex and courtship here is so bizarre and stereotyped that all of this stuff might be more at home in a movie made by straights to make fun of gays. Or, I don’t know, maybe I’m just REALLY vanilla. Anyway, Nico administered three enemas to himself beforehand and starts issuing massive farts, then excuses himself to go to the bathroom where he takes a long and loud liquid defecation, which Hatch overhears and then takes off. Isn’t this all just so representative of what being gay is all about?

SPOILERS > > >
So now it’s time to reach for some closure. Andy runs into his dad at a rest stop and his dad comes out to him as bi. Then the guys all gather and admit that despite all the objects and domestic pets they are painlessly shoving up their asses, they are actually scared of anal. Then Dawn says “Having sex doesn’t make you a man.” Lesson learned, they all promptly have sex that night at Dawn’s party. Griff finally admits his love for Jarod, Nico fucks Dawn’s GRANDPA on the pool table, and Andy does it with Jarod and Griff’s cast-offs. The end.
< < < SPOILERS END

As I said, it seems to me that this is the kind of movie straights would make if they had free license to mock gays. Every gay guy here is seemingly attracted to every other gay guy, regardless of who they are or what they look like, many are squealing nellies and the few bears we see are obese oddballs, not a second goes by that they aren’t thinking of sex and / or masturbating or shoving objects or small mammals up their butts, and they do bizarre things like prance in front of each other as part of foreplay. It’s not like any gay world I know, but it IS all a representative of straight stereotypes about gays. But we’re doing it to ourselves, so that’s okay! There are also a few mentions here and there that treat barebacking as just another harmless sexual variation one could engage in, like titplay.

I was shocked to see the many positive reviews of this movie on the IMDb. Not just positive; ecstatic. Many people just find it absolutely the most hysterical thing ever, and so true to life. Interestingly, the reviews from when this movie was in theaters are almost all negative, and the reviews from when it was available on DVD are almost all positive. I have no idea what that means.

As for me, well, now I’m straight. This movie made me pursue a life of heterosexuality. I’m going to marry some woman and artificially inseminate to make a child and then spend the rest of my life looking at pics of men while I remain firmly in the closet. And if gay life is even remotely like what is presented in this movie, that seems like quite an attractive option.