Breeders

And the boobs shall lead the way
★★
☆☆☆☆
Released: 
1986
Director: 
Tim Kincaid
Starring: 
Teresa Farley, Lance Lewman, Frances Raines, Natalie O'Connell
The Setup: 
Alien wants to breed Earth virgins
Discussion: 

This movie always sounded like pure sleaze, and what do you know, that's exactly what it is. Any time you have aliens who want to breed with Earth women you're getting set up for barely sublimated male sexual fantasies, which are usually repulsively misogynistic to one degree or another. The record-holder for this remains Species II, in which women's bellies grow with child in minutes, until the child bursts out, killing the woman, and at the end a woman is orally choked to death by a giant alien "appendage." I still haven't been able to gear up to sit through that again, but this one is in a similar vein, with virgin women getting raped and impregnated, which is not even to mention the climactic cum bath. But this movie goes down relatively smooth by remaining low-budget fun and just being so outwardly cheesy it balances out the sheer sleazy lust at its core.

You get an idea what you're in for when you read that this is a "Wizard Video Presentation" of an "Entertainment Concepts Production." I love the generic-ness (genericicity?) of the name "Entertainment Concepts." It's like when you're looking on HotJobs for a job and see all those staffing companies called "Success Solutions" or "Employment Dynamics." Anyway, we soon meet this floozy who gets out of a cab in a bad part of town (this is happening in Manhattan) because her date expected her to put out after a cheap dinner and crappy show. You see how this movie supports the cause of liberated women! See? Because it'll be pretty hard to see in a second. She goes wandering off barefoot when she meets a kindly old man who tells her she shouldn't be out in that neighborhood, and offers to escort her to safety. Then he keels over, and from within him bursts out this nasty alien who carries her to a vacant field and rapes her.

We now have our credits, during which we have electronic music featuring some of the most impressive Casio work you may have heard in a while, and is an "Entertainment Concept" that can be laid squarely at the door of John Carpenter. We then meet sassy, gorgeous, multi-racial woman Dr. Gamble Pace, who has achieved her goal of adding volume to her hairstyle. She is joined by Detective Dale Andriotti, and informs him that their latest victim is just one of five rapes in five days, all of whom were virgins, and all of whom are now hideously disfigured by this acidic slime the perpetrator left behind. We are also slipped the detail that their wombs are filled with black slime.

So just as you're thinking "Uuuuggh, this is just gross," the movie regains its cheese footing by taking us to: a high-fashion shoot! Or at least the closest approximation they can afford, which is even more delightful. We have a lovely lass in a swimsuit doing her best to approximate modeling from what she's seen on Entertainment Tonight, snapped by a female photographer who doesn't stop the camera even when the assistant or hairstylist is also in the shot. They all break for lunch, except for the model, who stays behind to snort some coke. She then decides that she can't be hemmed in by that restrictive bikini, so she removes all her clothes and performs alluring stretches in the nude. And you know, who are we to dictate when a woman can or can't decide to completely disrobe and go about her activities in the nude? The balance of this movie will go far to demonstrate the numerous situations in which a woman might want to suddenly doff all of her clothes and display her nakedness, which you'll have to admit is highly progressive in its view of women's liberation.

So the male assistant returns to catch her in her nudity, when suddenly he is stricken with what seems to be a heart attack. Only he starts bursting open from the inside in an extremely gross way, which our model decides to just stand there and observe during the several minutes it unfolds over. Soon a big nasty alien emerges, causing our model to run and hide--behind the piece of paper hanging at the back of the studio. But let's not judge her by her choice of hiding place, okay? Her hiding place behind the Piece. Of. Paper. She is soon caught, and then we have a fairly lengthy but in no way exploitative rape in which we see her nubile legs being rubbed by all sorts of black buboes and tentacles.

Between rapes we have a few scenes of Dr. Gamble Huff and Detective Dale Andriotti being concerned but doing nothing, and introduce a young orderly who has developed a crush on the first victim, still comatose. Then we join an old homeless lady who has found her way to the basement of the Empire State Building. She represents "Entertainment Concepts'" idea of what a homeless woman is like, wearing several layers of mismatched clothing and carrying a shopping bag whose logo has been spray-painted over. In said bag she carries a scarecrow doll that she talks to and holds like a baby, and a small Christmas tree. Okay, so she's a trifle less practical than most real homeless people. She is approached by a horny alien, but I'll skip ahead to tell you (in case I forget) that she is later found to be unsuitable for alien reproduction due to being diseased--an idea incorporated without change into the Species series--but we know the real reason is that she's old and skanky, not like all the other nubile virgin victims.

So in here we have introduced this nurse who is so afraid of the rapist she has to receive a stern talking-to by Dr. Gamble Pace. She goes home for the night, where she takes a little snack out of the freezer and starts reheating it on the stove. Okay, sure her little snack is in a 20-gallon stock pot, but maybe she was out of Tupperware. Then, well, who are we to say when a woman might want to completely disrobe? Right? There are numerous daily occasions when a woman might simply decide to take it all off and relax in the nude. Our nurse also decides that a shower might be her best bet, and when she emerges, her date for the night is there. She asks him what he saw of her nakedness, and he replies "enough to know that I want you to bear my children." Yeah, he's just one of those casual dates that wants to knock his woman up. You know guys, some people have sex just for fun.

One also might be somewhat amazed at the sheer number of 20-something Manhattan women who have made the choice to retain their virginity. Please recall that every victim here was supposedly a virgin, which the filmmakers sure you know by having the character awkwardly discuss her decision to remain chaste until marriage at some point.

After spending a few minutes with the overemotive fashion photographer, who has had it up to here in dealing with all those phone calls, the first victim has suddenly been healed of all her facial scarring, and wakes from her coma, to the delight of her hospital orderly beau, who wooed her whilst she was comatose, and now hopes to cinch the deal with the consent of her full consciousness. Well, I guess she ain’t having it, since her first conscious act is to eviscerate him with a scalpel. Can’t always win in love, bud! She then leaves the hospital, completely nude, and walks all the way through New York City to the basement of the Empire State Building without being stopped by anyone. Because as you know, here on the East Coast, among the Liberal Elite, none would dare hamper our young comely lass’ right to liberation by displaying her breasts publicly and in any venue she should so choose.

Now a quite minor character, the other fashion assistant, who has also found reason to publicly discuss her commitment to virginity, and who, like many women in this film, feels just so hemmed in and restricted by all those clingy clothes, is now confronted in her apartment by a rapist! A rather unusually hunky, attractive rapist. Only the human rapist is soon overpowered by the alien rapist, who has his slimy way with our lovely assistant. She then proceeds straight to the basement of the Empire State Building, without going through the comatose gestation part. Also, how the alien gets into the various guys and explodes from within them is never quite explained, especially since it seems like there then must be multiple aliens, but in fact there is only one, and… well, I don’t think we’re ever going to get clear answers on this life form’s reproductive cycle. Let us not ask such questions, and, why… may I direct your attention to this lovely pair of breasts?

So it would soon seem that six women have now walked through Manhattan completely nude without being stopped, and have made their way to the bottom of the Empire State Building, which as surely you know, has absolutely no security. They are followed by Dr. Gamble Pace and Detective Dale Andriotti, who discover the alien’s secret lair and… well, I thought it was going to be a birthing place, you know, I thought someone was supposed to get pregnant here, but we’ll soon see that the truth is far more repulsive than we could have imagined. But let it first be mentioned that our intrepid heroes make it deep into the alien’s lair and see the homeless woman’s body all shredded, and the alien itself, and the sight we’re about to describe, and yet are unable to muster up so much as a grimace or, in fact, a facial expression of any kind. THAT’S how steely the nerves of these highly-trained professionals are.

So it would seem that all six of the alien rape victims have been drawn to this large tub full of… viscous white slime. Viscous white slime that looks quite like, umm, well… cum, basically. Spooge. Baby batter. Cock chowder. Nut butter. Guy glue. And the women, yes, all six of them, are quite content to spend many long languorous minutes simply dripping it all over their bodies and making sure we get lots of shots of it covering their breasts and shot all over their hair.

CAN??? YOU??? BELIEVE??? THIS???

Then Dr. Gamble Pace and Detective Dale Andriotti, who you might have noticed have done pretty much nothing for this entire movie, hit upon a plan. They are going to electrify the third rail (they are apparently in an abandoned subway tunnel), for which they must first call some dispatch station, on the phone that still works. So we see the two fat schlubs minding the electrical room snap to attention, and one of them gets on the phone to call and check on Andriotti’s credentials. Then Pace and Andriotti just stand there, and nothing changes, no indication whatsoever that the electricity is now on, when suddenly she yells “Now!” and he throws this coil of wire, and the six women in the sperm tub get electrocuted. I think somewhere the alien [yep, there was only one] got killed as well, although I don’t recall that part. Then, for a shocking final finish, we join Pace and Andriotti in bed—they got together!—and they’re about to get it on when he reveals—he’s the alien! Only he’s not, it was just a dream, and we see that Dr. Gamble Pace will now have a lot of lingering issues with intimacy. And we continue to reflect on that, since the last shot lingers. And lingers. Long after the thrill is gone. After any cheap thrill has worn off. Until you’re starting to think you should never have watched this. Until you’re wondering if Arby’s is still open. Until you’re realizing you still have dishes in the sink, and you’re not going to do them tonight, and you won’t have time in the morning, and they’ll still be there when you get home from work tomorrow. THAT’S how long this last shot lingers.

Eeeeesh, pretty yucky. This is clearly aimed squarely at those in the audiences who find breasts, in all their natural variety, to be endlessly fascinating, and whose idea of “sexy” and “exciting” include thoughts of virgins forcibly penetrated and impregnated. That’s the “entertainment concept” at work here. It’s the kind of thing that, if you saw it on your fourteen-year-old son’s Netflix queue, you might want to pull him aside for a very special talk. And by the way, geez, I was a little surprised to find something with such rampant nudity readily available to anyone with a Netflix streaming account.

Other than that, it’s low-budget fun. It has actors that can’t act, and there is pretty much nothing going on in this story except women getting raped by aliens intermixed with the doctor and detective looking perplexed, at least until the climactic cum bath. But there are funny details like the nurse whose post-work snack is in the 20-gallon stock pot, or the low-budget high-fashion shot, and stuff like that. Ultimately it’s not quite enough, but it’ll do in a pinch. It’s a sleazy fun exploitation movie that doesn’t skimp on the sleaze or the exploitation, and while it didn’t have to be THIS morally repulsive, I wouldn’t have liked it if it were morally responsible. It’s bad food that really is bad for you.

BUT WAIT! THIS JUST IN!!! You know, many times I don't bother looking up the cast and crew of films to find out what else they've done, even though in many cases when I have, it has uncovered some unbelievable connection. Such was the case this time, when I thought on a whim "Let's just see what else this Tim Kincaid has directed," and discovered that he is also known as... JOE GAGE!!! For the uninitiated, Joe Gage is the director of a legendary series of gay porn films from he 70s, legendary for their sleaze, hot men and real heat, and oh my God, it explains SO much of the dirty, dirty, sleazy content here--especially the cum bath. In a way, knowing this makes me like the film a lot more, as I know that it truly does come from a place of deep sleaze. Fucking unbelievable.

Should you watch it: 

If you are a horny 14-year-old boy to whom the sight of breasts is akin to a religious revelation, it’s for you! All others might just think twice, however.