Someone wrote me and told me that if I like porn mustaches, the cheesy softcore Cinderella 2000 contains the greatest collection of them that person had yet witnessed. So obviously it shot to the top of my list.
This is by softcore czar Al Adamson, who also brought us Satan's Sadists, as well as mucho other softcore / exploitation fare. We have these credits and photos of sexy women over a starfield as we hear this awesome cheese-disco song “Civilization 2000.” We learn that this movie features “music and lyrics by Sparky Sugarman.” So far, I’m behind it all the way!
So then we see the city of the future—which looks like a chemistry set with perhaps a few pieces of Tupperware also present. We join this couple as they’re about to do it, and are interrupted by the supreme ruler or whoever informing us that while crime is down, rape, assault and unauthorized fornication is way up. Not heeding the warning, the couple go for it anyway, and are caught by Roscoe the Robot, and his two mustachioed assistants. They don’t do much of anything, and are almost completely cut off by the hideous pan and scan job [that seems to neither pan nor scan]. Bitch, where are my pornstaches?
We then meet Cindy, cleaning for her wicked stepmother, who wears this green sequined thing with a huge red bow I the middle. I was going to pull out her picture, but then her two evil daughters came out in similar ensembles of their own. The stepsisters say things to each other like “You sleazy little slut!” Then the three evil women star t to sing a song about how horny they are. That’s right—it’s a musical!
But back with the woman arrested earlier. Roscoe the Robot and his two porn-stached henchmen [who never do anything] shrink the fornicating woman down until the point where she is played by a Barbie doll in long shots. Then Cindy has an afternoon off, so she sneaks away to this field where she unearths a storybook that tells the tale of Cinderella. This is getting SO meta. She has a fantasy that her Prince Charming—a decidedly NON-pornstached blond hunk—are dancing. Cindy sings this long, boring ballad, Then a flying saucer comes down and this dude in a spacesuit comes out, followed by these two women with lips over their crotches and eyes painted on their tits. This is Cindy’s fairy godfather [and his assistants]. They sing another song about how great it is to have sex, aided by woodland creatures such as bunnies that the fairy godfather coaxes into sex. There are human people dresses as bunnies, mind you. There are also some antelope, I believe. Some of the lyrics of the song go: “When you’re down in the dumps, when you’re stuck in a slump, simply climb on a rump.” Advice I think we can all take to heart.
So by now I was bored and not stiff, so the fast-forwarding, which had been in evidence earlier, but now became my primary viewing mode. I don’t feel like I missed too much. There’s a lot of various hugger-mugger, then there’s this whole thing about the ball. The Fairy Godfather makes a nice dress for Cindy an conjures her up a sports car. She goes to the ball, where a bunch of couples are dancing. She meets Prince Charming [I don’t know that he’s actually named this, I was going too fast], and they go screw. Then it’s midnight and she has to take off. So Prince Charming is looking for her, but apparently his only clue is the fit of his dick, which necessitates that he go screw all the women in the land in order to find her. You don’t see much—this is VERY softcore.
Anyway, eventually he finds her and thank God the movie ends. Also on the disc is the European version, prompting my annoyance that I hadn’t just watched that one, as it surely includes much more. It seems to include a bunch of additional scenes, but nothing I really wanted to see. This is this whole new scene with seven dwarves. There are also a bunch of trailers, for things like Blazing Stewardesses, and some other Stewardess title, a few other softcore things, some action and one very low-budget-looking blaxploitation flick.
It was kind of a bust. Okay scratch that, it was a full-on bust. There were a few pornstaches, but they didn’t do anything—no kissing, no nuzzling, no expressions of rapt ecstasy—they just kind of stood around as guards or whatever. Most of the guys who got to do anything were clean-shaven, and even then the sex scenes were a big disappointment. That’s kind of the problem with movies ones expects titillation from—if they don’t titillate, it’s difficult to gain any interest in the thing as a movie. This contains all of the general ridiculousness and bizarre and stupid visuals anyone could ask for [as you can see from the few pics I've pulled out], but without the context of an involving story it’s just a bunch of random silliness. This might be good with some friends and significant booze, but even so you might want to have some discussion topics prepared ahead of time.
What a snore.
I would advise against it, but if you must, booze and friends, friends and booze. And something else to do, like Yahtzee.