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Deadly Jaws
The terrifying roar of the octopus
1974
Review: July 5, 2010
Director: Harald Reinl
Starring: Horst Janson, Marius Weyers, Hans Hass Jr., Sandra Prinsloo, Monika Lundi
Sure!
THE SETUP:
People go looking for sunken treasure. They find it—and trouble, too!
DISCUSSION:
So my friend had watched this and recommended this disc [which also contains Shark Hunter] as the only thing out of the Grindhouse Experience Vol. 2 worth watching. I watched Shark Hunter first, which was good fun, and luckily I didn’t send the disc back before watching this, as I was tempted to do, because this one may be slightly less ridiculous, but is even MORE fun! So let’s get it on!
We open with a shot of Mayan pyramids and have a voice-over saying that the Spanish plundered Mexico and a lot of their ships were sunk with lots of treasure, and one thing that hasn’t changed over the years is man’s GREED for GOLD! Then we have the credits, during which we discover 1) this is a German production [its original title: Ein toter Taucher nimmi kein Gold], 2) this is based on a novel, and 3) this is poorly dubbed into English, but inexplicably has Japanese subtitles. We join three tourists as they arrive at a hotel. One of them, Peter, calls his uncle [or something] who has a treasure map for him, but no sooner has he gotten off the phone when some intruder with a knife is coming at him and… Then Peter and friends [engaged couple Hans and Ellen] find his uncle CRUCIFIED UPSIDE-DOWN ON THE CEILING! Just kidding, they don’t, I was confusing this with my Satanic end-of-world thrillers [and lamenting that the killing here is so dull and uncreative]. No, uncle whoever is just quietly bleeding to death on the floor [ho-hum], and promptly expires, but not before he’s had a chance to divulge the location of the secret map. But it turns out—THE KILLER IS IN THE APARTMENT! And instead of killing the trio himself, he decides to arrange for himself to be the captain of the boat they hire to go get the treasure. We learn this as he divulges his plan to saucy assistant, Pascale, who lets him know that she’s uncomfortable with his low-down dirty ways. The bad guy, is named Rene Chagrin. How’s that for descriptive themed names: CHAGRIN? Nice.
So through the help of Pascale, the trio hires Rene, who has to train these crazy kids how to dive. This, incredibly, they can do by just jumping off a jetty made of stones, which apparently goes way straight down in this one section. Rene is quite snide and verbally-abusive to the diving newbies, while Ellen is quite cool and throws much superior attitude at Pascale. The divers all wear intercoms, so they can talk with each other freely while underwater. While alone, Rene informs Pascale that he’s going to use the kids to get the treasure, then kill them and take it all himself. She’s unsure again, but he tells her “You love me—you would even kill for me.” Mmmm, it’s beginning to become clear that Rene is the sexy cad type, which isn’t hurt by him being a total selfish asshole while wearing his wetsuit open to his navel and diving shorts that make a Speedo seem to offer generous coverage. So they take off in his boat.
They’re not gone long when it’s obvious that Pascale has taken a shine to Peter—which Ellen, despite being engaged to Hans, is not happy about one bit—and soon enough they have made sweet love. She then tells Rene that she’s through with him, and he basically makes to rape her, insisting that she is still driven crazy by him. Okay, now I know women don’t like this type and don’t appreciate being raped—to put it mildly—but I was like “WHERE can I meet a guy like this?” A confident guy who wears tiny swimwear and responds to your slightest complaint by throwing you down in bed, while laughing, and rapes you, insisting all the while that you love it? That’s my man. He probably also doesn’t have any idea when the latest Rhianna remix is coming out, has never seen a single episode of Project Runway, and I’ll bet he doesn’t even have a Facebook page. I’m in love.
In here we meet Senor Pedro, local gangster who also wants the treasure. He’s almost exactly the same character, and does the exact same things, as Senor Gomez in Shark Hunter, the other movie on this disc. Anyway, the site of the treasure is of course teeming with deadly sea life, including the fearsome roaring octopus. Yeah, there’s this octopus sitting there, and when we see it, the soundtrack is filled with horrifying roars, like of a lion. Or rather: of a lion. They kill it with a bomb. Then something happens to Hans and Ellen goes down after him, despite the fact that she’s had no dive training, and this is said to be particularly deep and dangerous… and that there is pretty much nothing she can do to help once she gets there. Then Rene goes down by himself, and Pascale takes the one bloody steak that they just happen to have on hand—never know when you might need a bloody steak!—and throws it into the water after him. I think you know what that means. And sure enough, here comes a deadly hammerhead shark! Or… is it… It soon becomes apparent that there’s something not quite right about this shark [for example, that it swims by bouncing up and down], and you think No. It couldn’t be. BUT IT IS: They have suspended a dead shark on wires and are dragging it through the water. I have to say that’s a new one for me. When Rene gets back on deck, he beats Pascale, and she makes clear that they are over.
SPOILERS > > >
Then there’s some hugger-mugger that the trio has realized that Rene is not all on the up-and-up, and will probably try to kill them, but Hans says he must go on, because he has no money. Then Ellen jumps in the boat and takes off for shore to get “Things we need.” Bring back some spicy Bugles! Meanwhile they’re diving some more, into the shipwreck at the bottom, where they find some BRIGHT WHITE skeletons. Peter gets hit with some fish that—I don’t even know how to explain it, it’s like a dart—and it paralyzes him. Then they find a chest full of gold coins. Then Ellen is down diving, when the dead hammerhead comes back, and she freaks, trapped in the wreck. Then, suddenly, inexplicably, she’s back on deck. You can expect a lot of editing-based miracles like this.
Then Poor Paralyzed Peter can make signals with his eyes, and it seems like he’s coming out of it! Oh but no, actually, he’s dying. Then Pascale REALLY fights Rene. Then Hans has a gun! Then Hans takes control of the boat! Then—they’re surrounded! Senior Gomez is going to let them excavate all the money, THEN steal it! They'd better get out of there, but NO--Rene has gone over the edge! You remember that the topic of this film is people torn apart by man's greed for gold, and Rene isn't going anywhere til they get every last coin from below, even though they already have tons! Why? Oh God, WHY?! But Peter isn't gonna have it, and we have this wonderful exchange: Rene: "You think I'm an idiot?!" Peter: "Yes."
Then--GIRLS WITH GUNS!
That's right, Senor Gomez's men open fire, and it would seem that the enemy couldn't hit a whale with a nuclear bomb, but the two women, wearing bikinis as they wield machine guns, are each crack shots. Then Rene decides he's going to jump in the water and excavate some more, because his lust for gold cannot be overruled by some mere machine gun battle! But oh dear, the deadly sharks! In here we have the old favorite footage clearly taken in a swimming pool edited in with undersea footage, as though we simply won't notice. Blah, blah, it all winds up, and guess what? The Coast Guard ends up confiscating all the treasure! But they give your explorers something, although I don't think we ever find out what it was. Maybe it's a 2-for-1 drink ticket for Tio Pepe's Mexican Catina, with purchase of any large entree.
< < < SPOILERS END
It was good idiotic fun. It's dumb enough, it has hot nasty villains in skimpy clothing, Japanese subtitles, dead sharks on wires, and bikini girls with guns for guys that are into that sort of thing. I don't think there's really that much more to say about it. Let's not make more of this than it is, okay?
SHOULD YOU WATCH IT?
You bet, especially if you like it idiotic but fun.
