The Doll Squad

Sex and security don't mix
★★
☆☆
Released: 
1974
Director: 
Ted. V. Mikels
Starring: 
Francine York, Michael Ansara, Carol Terry, Tura Satana
The Setup: 
Elite team of female agents cracks some case or whatever.
Discussion: 

An obvious influence on the Charlie’s Angels [though Aaron Spelling says it isn’t], and possibly the inspiration for Quentin Tarantino’s Fox Force Five from Pulp Fiction [why won’t he take Uma Thurman and make a movie of THAT?] this movie is kind of fun, but would be more fun if we hadn’t worn out any interest in such things on Charlie’s Angels. Although I’m sure if I was straight and into babes with boobs I’d be a lot more enthusiastic.

So we begin with the launch of star-flight XII, which is not too far into the air before a superimposed explosion appears over it. The senator who’s watching the whole thing on TV says “oh my God, I killed those men.” Then a computer printout recommends they call in the Doll Squad.

So Sabrina, the buxom, red-headed leader of the Doll Squad comes in an gets her assignment [note that Charlie's Angels also featured a prominent Sabrina]. One of the first things that was apparent to me immediately is Sabrina’s age: Francine York was 36 when she made this, and the whole thing put me in mind of how the age of our lead actresses has dropped in the intervening years. Now she looks like the kind of person who would be relegated only to playing MILF roles. The same goes for the other members of the Doll Squad: these are adult women, not young girls straight out of [or still in] high school.

Anyway, so there’s some bullshit about a gift parrot or something that arrived with a tiny microphone [but they’re still amazed that the senator’s office was bugged], and Sabrina sets out to gather the rest of the members of the DS, before they’re killed, which means she’d better hurry, as the baddies are running around trying to kill them, and succeeding much of the time. One of them tries to kill Sabrina at a nightclub, but she has a flamethrower cigarette lighter, and asks if she can have one last cigarette before she’s kidnapped. He agrees, wetting the cigarette in his mouth, then handing it to her, saying “Come on! Stick it in your mouth!” He is toast not long after.

It goes on in fairly predictable ways. During this time someone speculates that Eamon O’Reilly, the villain here, who Sabrina had an affair with many years back, “experiences periodic impotence stemming from an Oedipus complex… he’s a madman.” Apparently they are unaware that, if you buy the Freudian theory, EVERYONE has an Oedipus complex. Also... periodic erectile dysfunction makes you insane? Better tell Mike Ditka. Someone observes that “sex and security don’t mix.” And eventually the Doll Squad ends up on Eamon’s private island, which seems to have a huge desert just inside its coast, having been driven there by the rather hunky / sleazy captain with the double-dealing sidekick.

Once on the island the dolls “switch to wrist communication,” which sounds like they communicate using only their wrists, but actually means that have Dick Tracy-like radios there. Two of them offer some guards this drink that makes them explode from within. Almost all the explosions in this movie are accomplished by just superimposing an explosion over whatever it is blowing up. They get captured and one of them, the newest DS member, asks to see Eamon and is slapped, at which point she starts bawling like a little baby, wailing “why won’t he see me?” Which obviously will not do. A few seconds later she’s a corpse. Then follows what seems like an endless series of chases and killings and captures and escapes as the DS storm the island and take on a seemingly endless series of guards… it’s like you’re stuck in some video game.

Then Sabrina is captured by Eamon, who, despite the fact that she has conspired to bring down his whole operation and killed several of his employees, he asks to rule the world by his side. His plan is to spread bubonic plague throughout the world via infected rats… for some reason. She refuses, escapes, gets caught again, he asks her again, and after pretending to feel that old magic, just like they shared back in Germany, she kills him. Then they blow up the whole place and go home. Oops, sorry, I revealed the shocking ending. We end with the vocal version of the theme we’ve been hearing relentlessly throughout the movie.

Overall, kind of amusing, although like I said, less so since we’ve seen Charlie’s Angels in the meantime. I can’t really even think of much more to say about it.

Should you watch it: 

Might be amusing if you have a group of friends and a bunch of booze.