Elizabeth: The Golden Age

A passionate tale of passions impassioned

2007

Review: October 19, 2007

Director: Shekhar Kapur

Starring: Cate Balnchett, Clive Owen, Geoffery Rush, Samantha Morton

You bet your sweet patootie.

THE SETUP:

Elizabeth finds that learning to love herself is the greatest love of all.

DISCUSSION:

This is one of those movies where you think “Oh, God, they made a SEQUEL?!” then you say “WHO is going to see that?” then publications such as the New York Times declare it “a kitsch extravaganza,” then you think “I MUST see it!” Such, reader, was my journey.

Perilous was the path that led to my theater! Okay, whatever, we open with this computer-generated finery and some informative titles that let us know that it’s 1535 or some such and everyone’s a Catholic but England, who is Protestant, which culminates in the title “Elizabeth” being the last word in the exposition. And I fall for it! I forgot to mention that these are all accompanied by helpful faux-stained glass illustrations.

So Elizabeth is chillin’ with her homegirls, asking them what kind of men they like, and offering that she likes men that are impossible to have. Sense I some foreshadowing, Milady? Then Geoffery Rush informs her that she’s better get a baby in her in double-quick time or people will think she’s a total lesbo.

Elizabeth barely has time to jump in her mobile throne unit [MTU] when Clive Owen as Walter Raleigh is whipping out his cloak with a report deafening as a thundercrack to shield her from the puddles of outrageous fortune. Elizabeth has to go on a sort of 16th-century Dating Game [minus the Chuck Wollery, the only thing that could have improved this sweeping spectacular] where men from around the world come to bring her knick-knacks and say how her hand [and her hymen—you do know she's a virgin, right?] would totally boost their portfolio or whatever. But Raleigh, the rakish pirate, who is not even allowed, butts his way in and amuses the queen, who, truth be told, yearns to be loved for who she is, who she REALLY is, inside. He tells her he named VIRGINia especially for her hymen, and brings her some tobacco she may find “very STIMULATING.” “You mean on my clit-TORIS?” Elizabeth responds in her impeccable British accent.

So she invites Raleigh to hang around and flex periodically. He tells her of the experience of crossing the sea, and how you only have “Hope… pure… thin… fragile… hope.” And then you see the green land rising and this is the new world, which is like a new life. Elizabeth stood regally, gathered her robes and spat “Good Sir, are to talking about my Va-GINA?”

Actually, though, the writing in that whole sea-crossing scene is so insufferable, had I a scissors, I am quite sure I would have stabbed myself in the eye. The other thing is, the movie is very, very sweeping and desperate to carry one away, which it mostly does, except in scenes such as the aforementioned when it suddenly comes crashing to Earth and you sit staring at the screen like “My God, this is HORRIBLE. And I have 90 minutes left to go? Oh God, will I get into it again?” Luckily for me, I did, with periodic crashes.

And I noticed something about the screenplay, which is that the screenwriter is very adept at constructing the arc of a scene—for example here, when Elizabeth is swept away by Raleigh’s tale and thus opens herself to him—but the thing is, he isn’t as good at constructing the WORDS that might take us from beginning to end. He can think of the purpose of the scene, he just can’t actually write the scene very well. And it happens quite often here. Cate, by the way, is asked to show a long process of thought and emotion using just her face, similar to the opera scene in Birth.

Now to the matter of Bess. She is next in line after Elizabeth, but can’t get married until Elizabeth does, which doesn’t look like is going to take place any time soon. Bess’ biological clock is TICKING! LIKE! THIS! and she feels herself getting older. At one point Elizabeth tells Bess that she envies her, “you are free to have what I cannot have.” She might soon begin to rue those words.

So then the Spaniard who wants to marry Elizabeth makes a snide remark about how she’s letting the pirates, i.e. Raleigh, “sail up the Thames to her bed,” and Elizabeth delivers the first of the royal bitch-outs as seen in the trailer. She tells him she cannot marry him and he tells Bess he’s not a suitor and she tells him to tell Elizabeth but he doesn’t, he just asks to depart and she orders him to stay and then he’s not happy. I think they should have just gone fully anachronistic and have them all texting and sending picture messages to each other. Anyway, Clive Owen was striking me as way too preening and puppy-eyed in this role [which is how the direction constantly photographs him], but I was forced to look deep into my heart and admit, with great personal vulnerability, that I, too, was denying my true feelings for Clive Owen, and must in fact make love to him immediately. Oh Clive, when will there be time for us?

SPOILERS > > >
But Raleigh, who, we have been previously informed, “has needs,” looses his passion on Bess, and they make sensual candlelit love without benefit of modern birth control methods. Immediately after, Elizabeth forces them to dance together, which involves Raleigh repeatedly lifting Bess by placing his hand between her legs. It was saucy in the court! Saucy and SEXY.

But what of Mary, Queen of Scots [QoS, which in this case does not refer to ‘quality of service’]? If you’ll remember from the last movie, she’s in prison somewhere or other for something, and has motivation to hate the queen, and she’s caught passing notes to arrange an assassination attempt, so she has to be killed. Samantha Morton as Mary QoS gets to throw a massive freak-out scene upon hearing the news. Elizabeth is obliged to execute her, which causes her all sorts of EXTREMELY tedious turmoil. I was like “Just fucking kill her already, Jesus!” Of course the executioner is hot, as executioners always are.

Anyway, get this, bitches! Turns out the Spaniards made Mary QoS write the notes knowing she’d be executed and this would provide a pretext for them to mount a full-on assault! It’s time for the Spanish Armada! But first—more personal drama.

Bess tells Raleigh the super-secret news that she’s got a bun in the oven, and he’s her babydaddy! WHY she chooses to do this in the middle of a busy hallway with tons and tons of soldiers milling about is anyone's guess. She is IMPETUOUS. So he, being all noble and shit, MARRIES HER! Then Elizabeth finds out and is crushed, and more than a little pissed, telling Bess “My bitches wear MY collars!” She has them both chucked in prison. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled Spanish Armada.

England is seriously understaffed, and Lizzie knows they’ll lose. She releases Raleigh [but doesn’t mention Bess, which had me snickering away at the thought of her chained up in a straw-lined dungeon this whole time], and he receives much broad-chested coverage as he faces the Armada with the setting sun coloring his brave visage.

They are going to lose, when a big storm comes out of nowhere and forces the Spanish to anchor, whereupon the British make fire ships [abandoned ships set on fire and used as big ol’ missiles] and send then to crush the Spanish navy. Now, the movie has been going for this whole larger-than-life thing with the very Gods warring in this battle—and we DO see a bolt of lightning come out of Elizabeth’s ring, cross the ocean, and blow out the King of Spain’s symbolic candle. For me, it worked, because the movie is so whole-hog behind it. It also casts Elizabeth and Spain dude as psychic, but there ya go. Anyway, England prevails, and Elizabeth is in glory as the screen slowly fades to white. This is where I think the movie should have ended.

But no. We have to see Geoffery Rush die [see ya!] and Elizabeth give her blessing to Raleigh and Bess’ little spawn. Then she delivers this speech about how she’s her own woman, and has come to understand that she must be herself. Inspiring. Then it finally ends.
< < < SPOILERS END

You have to approach this as a comic book with Queen Elizabeth as a sort of superhero. In fact, I think they should make a series of graphic novels—ELIZABETH: THE VIRGIN QUEEN. Hot, right? Adherence to history—come on, do you really care? If you want to know the true story of Elizabeth you should be reading books and not trying to get it on the cheap by watching movies. Look at this in relation to Elizabeth the same way 300 is to the Spartans: an amusing fantasia on the themes and costumes, nothing more.

And as a history comic book, it’s not bad: you have a little Queenly private life, you have palace intrigues, big battles, jealousies, beheadings, big wigs and costumes, costumes, costumes. And of course Cate Blanchett. I was swept away by 90% of it and bored to tears for a key 10%, which is, all in all, a fairly decent ratio.

SHOULD YOU WATCH IT?

Sure, especially if you liked the first one or you just like big, sweeping historical romances.