Olivia: All Sexed-Up and Nowhere To Go [But Down]

March 2006

I saw this DVD, Olivia Video Gold Volume II, at the Olivia Newton-John concert I saw back in October [she was amazing—I thought it would be a pure nostalgia trip but it totally wasn’t], and ordered Part One, which has the Physical years, as well as personal faves “Deeper Than the Night” and “A Little More Love,” and features Olivia at the period where I love her the most. However, even though the disc they sent has the artwork for disc one and even the disc itself is stamped as disc one, the CONTENTS on the disc are that of disc two, the tragic years.

Now, obviously I’m gonna WATCH that before I return it, so I did, and what I found amazed me, and I knew I must write about it. I know this isn’t a movie and thus doesn’t really sit squarely into this site, but it’s here because 1) it offers the absolute greatest density of 80s musical CHEESE of anything I have ever witnessed in my entire life, and 2) it offers a fascinating case study of a star’s handler’s trying desperately to sex up her image in order to keep her “relevant,” and failing miserably. Let’s go track by track:

Twist of Fate
Olivia was still hot at this time, and there was no stink of career rescusitation to her at this point. Even though she had been tarnished by Xanadu, recall that the MUSIC from that movie was still quite successful, and Olivia was still a viable superstar. So here she’s on this CHEAP 80s set with blue neon as though she’s appearing at some sort of tribunal, on trial for her desperate love of John Travolta in the film Two of a Kind. I had never seen that movie until last year, but I was intimately familiar with certain parts of it from seeing this video ten thousand times. The cheese starts accumulating as Olivia makes this ridiculous face as she tears up one of the many photos that magically fades into footage from the film, and later as one of the old ladies on the jury clutches a picture of Travolta to her heart because he's just such a little muffin. Travolta himself later appears in scenes obviously, PAINFULLY OBVIOUSLY shot on another soundstage, perhaps indeed on another continent, and the video ends with the two lovers on trial yearning for each other across a wide chasm of water. So, so moving.

Take a Chance
The second of a shocking FOUR videos from the Two of a Kind soundtrack [basically one for every Olivia song on there], this drippy ballad starts with Olivia yearning for Travolta as she sits at her dressing room mirror. Then, as if by MAGIC! the room opens and there he is, in the flesh, and you realize that yes, THIS IS A DUET. A duet with JOHN TRAVOLTA. He gazes lovingly outward while attempting to vocalize in a musical way on a ladder and set that is clearly meant as homage to the “You Were Meant for Me” sequence from Singin' in the Rain. The cheese starts to pile up quick, but shoots into the red in a moment when the two abruptly break into dance with a suddenness that recalls the famous dance sequence from Pat Benatar’s “Love Is a Battefield” video. Your jaw will be on the floor. There’s also a little part meant to make us believe that John and Olivia are just the BEST of friends and really do hang out in real life, and after a bit more cheese the whole thing ends.

Livin’ in Desperate Times
One thing about the post-Physical years is that Olivia’s songs definitely lack the patented John Farrar songwriting touch, who had composed the bulk of her hits heretofore, and had really created what we know as her sound. This travesty of a song could not be further away, and shows us the first glimmers of her attempt to be really gritty and perhaps just a bit DANGEROUS. We are treated to a SO SO SO 80s set which features a bunch of huge words like “Crazy” and “Nightmare” and “Stress” made into huge urban set pieces that Olivia and her dancers can walk by and step through as she sings this absolutely APPALLING song. It becomes quite apparent that some poor assistant had to pore through his thesaurus for every single word that means something kind of bad, as the word choices become notably more straining near the end. As this scathing indictment of modern society continues on, you will notice that Olivia’s hair has gotten consistently bigger from song to song, and you will watch in amazement throughout the rest of the collection as it just keeps getting BIGGER and BIGGER and BIGGER, until it truly reaches Rushmorian dimensions. There IS indeed a moment in this video where the dancers form the word “Maniac,” which I think is the only thing I can say that will completely sum up this video, as well as the totality of the 80s as a decade.

Shaking You
First of all, poor title choice, n’est pas? The first thing it brings to my mind is a white trash father and a crying baby. What it really is is this pathetic attempt to be “sophisticated’ by placing Olivia in Venice and having her pine to the canals. Of interest is the choice of love interest for her here, who is this chunky nightmare of a guy apparently in his late 40s… WHAT is happening here? The friend I watched this with wondered—with good cause—is this her boyfriend that recently disappeared? Who knows… there could be little other explanation of why this fellow could be thrust into the public eye. Anyway, not much else of note except the moment when Olivia is standing oblivious to the fact that a ribbon is coming from six feet behind her and winding directly under the ape drape section of her hair, and my favorite part, the very 80s “I took so long-ah-ha-ha-huuuaaahhh” appended to one of her phrases. Oh dear. Things really fall apart from here on out.

Tied Up
We now start to get further into the effort to rebrand Olivia as a hot sexy vixen. This starts going right over the line here in “Tied Up,” one of the new songs from her Greatest Hits Volume II. First of all… there’s the title, which is supposed to sound like Olivia may be into all sorts of kinky bondage. Then you have the first few seconds of the video, which show her pouting with her mouth open and staring at the camera lustfully. It’s, frankly, embarrassing, and a fan can only begin to feel a little dirty that our Livvy is being sullied in this way. Anyway, so she's dressed like Michael J. Fox as Marty McFly [with the same hairdo] for some reason, and she walks around flirting with her band, which includes this HOT 70s/80s drummer, and this bassist with a really stupid look who follows the 80s rock tradition of making craaa-zee faces at the camera. Wow, the hard rock world of the early 80s! It doesn’t get much harder than this. In compensation, the song is at least by John Farrar, and although it’s just not as good as some of his others, it has some good hooks and is in the solid Olivia tradition.

Heart Attack
Sad, sad, sad. Olivia is tossing and turning in bed on a set that bears the obvious influence of Bonnie Tyler’s seminal “Total Eclipse of the Heart” video. Then her SPIRIT rises out of the bed [leaving her body behind], and she begins to follow mysterious children around… perhaps even to her own doom. One child leads her to a precipice where an evil Olivia beckons [she’s wearing black, good Olivia is wearing white]. Good Olivia goes to her, but evil Olivia vanishes at the last moment, leaving good Olivia falling off the precipice, presumably to be impaled upon the spikes of doom at the bottom [not shown]. Where this film rockets off into cheese-land [where it obviously was already] is with the appearance of this bargain-basement post-production “glitter” effect that obviously ran the producers as much as $2.95, and looks ever so convincing and magical. The situation with the corporeal/spirit Olivia and the good/evil Olivia is left tantalizingly unresolved, and viewers unprepared to have their assumptions about reality called into question may indeed by haunted by these striking images for minutes, if not seconds.

Soul Kiss
The first of a shocking FIVE videos from this album of the same name [did it even do that well?], this is where the sexing-up REALLY gets going. Olivia, laying on a big bed [in one of those ludicrous 80s music video sets] wearing red spandex with her hair teased out like Dolly Parton, breathes out the slow, "sensual" song while the camera caresses her body. There are a few intercut moments, in one she appears in a hot tub, and at the end some shirtless muscle dude walks in, grabs her head and delivers what we can only assume is the kiss of the title. The whole thing is hideously appalling.

Culture Shock
Okay, it’s hard to imagine that in its day, the song “Physical” was considered shocking. I remember articles about it. Parents wouldn’t let their children listen to it and radio stations wouldn’t play it. And now… it seems so cute! Anyway, someone obviously decided to try to generate some sales by shocking the world once again, because here we have this song in which Olivia is apparently engaged in some sort of manage a trois. Amid the cheesiest imaginable synths [played by the cheesiest imaginable 80s rock band], Olivia emerges with hair whose massive volume and delicate architecture was in fact studied by NASA in the process of designing a space station that could support 12 people. She sings “I know it’s unconventional, radical, but practical… why can’t the three of us live together?” It’s QUITE obvious that the focus group wrote this song to target listeners who consider Olivia to be on the forefront of the sexual revolution, by tantalizing them with the image of Olivia providing succor to TWO men at the same time. It is embarrassing. YOU, the viewer, will be embarrassed. Highlights include intercut shots of the drummer trying desperately to “rock,” and this female synth player whose massive tangle of hair nevertheless remains eclipsed by Olivia’s and who makes "awesome rock" grimaces into the camera. OH, and by the way, did I mention that Olivia is dressed in this outfit that resembles a golden tin can that has been squeezed in at the sides? I hope that she was pregnant during this time, because there is NO other possible explanation for this travesty of all Western values. Remember how I said that I was shipped the wrong disc and I planned to return it? At this point I said to myself "No! I MUST preserve this essential document for future generations!"

Emotional Tangle
Now a drippy ballad [sample lyric: "From an emotional... angle, we're in an emotional... tangle"] in which Olivia appears on this bargain basement set that may in fact be the cheesiest 80s gay bar you can imagine, with all these mirrors and blue lights and things. She is wearing a variation on the tin can outfit from the previous video, only this one has this INEXPLICABLE multicolored pattern that makes her most closely resemble a Del Monte fruit cup. Her hair is bunched up in this Perm-Puff that sits atop her head like the majestic plume of an exotic bird, and she is lit from behind, making said puff appear to be a brilliant white. You know, and people say the SEVENTIES were bad? WHAT the FUCK????

Toughen Up
This video, which will make you hang your head in sorrow for the entirety of the human race, casts Olivia as a tough instructor in a stylized fox hunting outfit [complete with riding crop] who presides over a school for young [and not-so-young] women. Her goal here is apparently to teach the women to respect themselves and not let men walk all over them. The focus group obviously positioned this message amid all of the other “God, I just wanna fuck” songs on her album to offset criticism that she was setting herself up to be degraded [though degraded she is], and also to perhaps garner a few sales and create buzz by positioning itself a somewhat of a feminist anthem.

This is questionable, however, when one of the mini episodes shows a woman fed up with her husband watching football on TV and ignoring her emotional needs. So what does she do? She bangs an entire football team [discreetly symbolized by having three guys in football uniforms rip through the wall, then two of them get on either side of her while one of them positions himself between her legs. They upend the couch and in so doing the guy between her legs mounts atop her. See? And you think I exaggerate]. Now, although this action gets an A+ from Olivia [or really, inexplicably, an A#], is this really the best way to repair relations or get satisfaction from an inattentive husband? I’ll leave that to you to decide. There are other episodes of women “getting even,” not many worth note, except at one point we see a woman wearing a tank top that says “Hands Off” over her breasts. Suffice to say, I don’t think we’re getting the most coherent statement of female empowerment from this video. Again, Olivia plays a dual role, appearing also as this proto-Baby Spice in pigtails and a straw hat kind of thing, and she makes ridiculous preening faces throughout in a way that will make you ashamed to be alive. One can read into this that this innocent tomboy version represents the old Olivia image, and now that she’s “toughened up,” she is the new, riding-crop wielding Olivia who is free to fuck whole football teams—but on HER terms. Or it could just be they were all having a bit of fun. At our expense.

The Right Moment
Here we are, back on the SAME set from “Emotional Tangle” with SAME hair [the big puff ball], and wearing a very similar outfit to the crushed tin can-thing. What, were they having a sale at Fashion Bug? At Mandee? And she decided to get one in every color, because it’s obviously one of those classic looks [the Rhomboid look] that never goes out of style? I’ve never made it all the way through this song because it’s such a fucking snore.

The Rumor
This minor hit was written by Elton John, and you can hear it, as it sounds like everything he was doing in the 80s and 90s, and well, everything he’s done for the past 30 years. I don’t know where he gets off criticizing Madonna [and everyone who crosses his path, apparently] as he has essentially been churning out different versions of the exact same song since 1980. But I digress. This one’s fairly catchy, and I confess I’ve had the “I still tried to love you” hook in my head for longer than I’d care to admit. Now, you thought it wasn’t physically possible for Olivia’s hair to get any bigger. Well, dear reader, you’d be wrong, because it has truly reached a volume that I believe should allow her to take flight, should she wish to do so. She’d better take care against strong gusts of wind, though one imagines her able to land safely should she be thrown out of a plane. The video takes place on one of those idiotic 80s music video sets that is vaguely inspired by the Escher drawing with all the staircases, and is all about loose talk and spreading rumors. There are a bunch of superimposed silhouettes of dancers. The sex content here isn’t so much focused on Olivia, but mainly occurs when a member of the press passes a bunch of people having sex in adjoining beds, including one guy we see humping away between a woman’s legs, which are hanging in the air out to the side. There’s not much else remarkable.

Can’t We Talk It Over In Bed
Hit the brakes! Suddenly we’re back to the Olivia Grease look [pre-slut, thank you very much], with straight bangs across her forehead and a ponytail out back. The video tells a very tepid and VH1-courting tale about a troubled relationship, with all sorts of wireframe beds and billowing drapes. It’s dull. But what about the sex? I would lay money that the title is supposed to lure people into thinking we’re gonna get another hot sexy Olivia romp [but does anyone WANT that?], then switches it with this decidedly non-sexy drippy ballad. Ugh.

Reach Out For Me
In a screeching reversal, suddenly it seems that the attempt to position Olivia as a sexy vixen has been deemed an utter failure, and here’s a last-ditch attempt to reach out to any of her original fans that might be left. All of a sudden we’re back to the Breck-girl Olivia of her country years, complete with non-product treated hair, a white cable-knit sweater, fields of golden wheat, and billowing white laundry that Olivia can walk through, smiling warmly all the while. The song is a remake of the Bacharach-David hit. Further reinforcing our abrupt branding and demographic reversal is the presence of a number of CHILDREN, cooed at by a beaming Olivia as they have birthday parties or wook a widdle sawwd or run with toy airplanes and suchlike. Not much more to discuss here.

I Need Love
Suddenly switching back into vamp mode for this new song from a greatest hits collection, this one calculated to raise some interest by positioning itself as a continuation of “Physical.” The production is VERY early 90s with a Soul II Soul-lite shuffle beat [remember when EVERY song had one?] and Olivia delivering a spoken-word intro while we see hands exchanging partners—a VERY canny representation of one-night stands in the age of AIDS. Anyway, Olivia sings about how she’s going to turn down sex because she needs something “more than physical” [GET IT???] and she, in fact “needs love to make the sex right.” This places this song in the long and dull tradition of “Let’s Wait Awhile,” “Don’t Rush Me,” and “You’re Puttin’ a Rush On Me.” And no one really cared for any of those songs either. I do, inexplicably, really like Olivia’s look in this one.

I Honestly Love You
Apparently created ONLY because someone realized that VH1 existed and hey, they need videos to show, right? This remake of the early hit obviously exists for no other reason than to serve as VH1 fodder. Let’s check off the elements: Lighthouse, gauzy, overexposed lighting, grainy black and white footage, rustic Martha-ready antiques, coastal setting, Olivia at the piano, bright shafts of sunlight, and a cottage with an oil painting kit out in plain sight [not to mention the fake letterboxing--this represents the director's original vision!]. Really, switch the footage and this could be Julia Fordham or Beth Neilson Chapman or Everything But The Girl during their brief VH1 phase, after they decided they were no longer a folk group and weren’t yet a house group. Anyway, Olivia sports the most hideous hair imaginable here; it looks alternately like a dead octopus and melted candle wax. The poor, poor woman.

Rounding out the disc are four live tracks recorded during what, if we can date them by her hair [and we SO can], appear to be from the Two of a Kind period. They are "Sam," "Suddenly," "You’re the One That I Want," and "Xanadu." All of them, thankfully, feature the CUUUTTE drummer, really an ace example of certain type of early 80s guy I liked. During "Xanadu" [which also features the rubbish-bin “glitter” aftereffect I mentioned earlier], Olivia foolishly chooses to cross her arms to make an ‘X’ every time she sings the word ‘Xanadu,’ which grates quickly, but she bops so adorably in her little pixie boots you won’t care.

As a whole, the collection is fascinating, and could offer even those who don’t like Olivia an interesting case study in an artist’s management trying desperately to revamp her image, with next to no success. In doing so, they turn away from whatever special magic fans liked about the artist in the first place, and often, as in this case, come close to ruining the careers of the artist they’re trying to save. A similar thing happened to poor Sheena Easton, although thankfully someone drew the line before Olivia sang something as crass [and frankly, just gross] as “Sugar Walls.” Britney dear, I hope you've been taking notes.

BTW...

I later got the Olivia Volume 1 disc, and it is EVERYTHING this one is not [though also off-the-chart cheesy], and features Olivia at the zenith of her peppy wonderfulness. I often wonder how my life might have been different if Olivia had been my mother.