11 Reasons to Buy 50 Chilling Classics
February 2007

Having been reasonably happy with my purchase of 50 Horror Classics, a set of 50 public domain movies that I bought for $20 [that’s $0.40 per movie!], I took next to no convincing to get 50 Chilling Classics a year or so later, at the same price. And, while 50 Horror Classics was a good buy, focusing mostly on movies released from the 50s and 60s, 50 Chilling Classics blows it away [for me, at least] by focusing on the horror detritus of the 70s and 80s! These are movies that no one saw, no one liked, fell out of distribution for some reason or other… who knows why, but it’s a big, glorious, diverse set that provides a treasure trove of entertainment for horror lovers. And I’m only eleven movies in! You need to buy that shit, and buy it RIGHT NOW.

Our glorious selections include:

Memorial Valley Massacre
Sure, every good campground comes equipped with its own psychotic killer, but how often is that killer a bonafide caveman? Awesome enough, obviously, but add to that one of the most appealingly trashy and obnoxious arrays of victims ever, an you’ve got a total winner. Here are horny, callous teens, chubby bikers with biker broads who sport hairstyles based on the cloud formations of the American West, ex-Marines who have married strippers named Pepper Mintz, and the nicest Long Island parents ever with a total terror id-monster bitter gay son Walter, who just wants to crush, steal and destroy. Delightful!

Messiah of Evil
One of the creepiest, weirdest, most atmospheric horror movies ever, this Five-Olivia, Five-Divine movie makes almost no sense, but is electrifyingly bizarre the whole way through. Marianna Hill [of The Baby] goes to this strange town to look for her father, only to discover that some sort of zombie apocalypse has been going on since “the moon has turned blood red.” With several visually arresting images and a few standout horror setpieces, this very well may be the best movie you ever pay $0.40 for. And guess what? It’s by the director of Howard the Duck.

Metamorphosis
Okay, obviously they can’t all be total winners, but where they can’t, at least they can amuse. And when the middle-aged babysitter is getting her eye gouged out, amusement is what you’ve got. This one is kind of a remake of Cronenberg’s The Fly, only in this one the guy periodically turns into a lizard. That’s almost enough, but add on this whole 80s environment with a Christian Bale look-alike hero and the contributions of Patricia the college slut, and you’ve got 90 minutes of amusement!

Naked Massacre
A retread of the famous Richard Speck murders, in which he raped and killed four nurses, this movie follows the outline of the case quite closely—which means that you have to endure almost 40 minutes of straight rape and torture. Not so great. What is great are the opening 30 minutes, which follows the exploits of the disaffected psychopath, fresh from the horrors of Vietnam, in war-torn Belfast. Terrorist attacks, sudden gunfights on the street, church bombings, signs that say “If you are suspicious, dial …” It’s ripped from today’s headlines, and it’s all very tense and jarring.

Gothic
Ken Russell’s imagining of what might have happened that night when Mary Shelley thought of the story for Frankenstein. Basically, they do a lot of drugs and spend the whole night tripping. It’s interesting for a while, trippy and fun with lots of provocative sexual imagery and sexual exploration, and though it eventually gets tedious, it will be of interest to Ken Russell fans and, uh, anyone with a lot of time on their hands.

The Demon
A killer is murdering young women in a small town, and has kidnapped a small boy. The parents hire ex-Marine psychic Cameron Mitchell, who provides a lot of vague impressions [and a bizarre pillow-sniffing scene] but no real evidence. Then the consequences of his limited powers hits him right between the eyes. You also have one of the most demented kindergarten singing rounds ever, a sleazy 70s nightclub and seduction, abrupt disrobing to crawl naked through the mud under a house’s front porch, and most memorably, shower curtain couture. It’s a pedestrian movie, but the inclusion of all these out-there elements definitely makes it a fun watch.

Track of the Moon Beast
What happens when a shard of a moon rock implants itself into your brain? Aneurysm? Tumor? No, actually you gradually transform into a giant lizard at the full moon—a moon beast, if you will—and will eventually self-combust. That much is obvious. What’s not obvious is the surprise performance of Leigh Drake as Cathy, whose absolutely flat reading of lines such as “Moon rock? Oh wow!” and “Oh Paul, why can’t there be time for US?” [having just met Paul the day before, btw] continually amaze. And there’s also a full song performance of the dreadful “California Lady.” It’s all here folks, next time you need something to laugh at.

War of the Robots
While you’re not thinking of Antonio Sabato Jr., do you ever stop to not think about Antonio Sabato senior? Me neither. But he exists, and here he is, in this bizarre low-budget Italian Star Wars knock-off that may make you stare at your television in disbelief. Or may make you yawn. These rival space people kidnap some scientist by using their army of robots in blond pageboy haircuts, but the good guys, who favor blue tights as their uniform, need him back, because only he has the combination to stop the reactor from blowing. Amusing to lovers of cheesy sci-fi, and includes the absolute least convincing space dogfight ever.

Dr. Tarr’s Torture Dungeon
Based on an Edgar Allen Poe story, this movie features bizarre and scary scenes, arresting visuals, and a story off-kilter enough to intrigue you and keep you on edge. From the same director as Alucarda, this one concerns a man who goes to visit a lunatic asylum, only to find that the staff has been imprisoned and the inmates are in charge. If you like it weird, this is where it’s at.

Slashed Dreams
A topical period piece from the 70s, this movie bravely confronts the reality of those who “drop out” of modern society to go live in the woods—namely, future Freddy Kruger Robert Englund, who has gone off and holed up in a cabin. After a highly-charged college class, Jenny and her buddy go out into the mountains to look for Robert, but before they find him, Jenny is gang-raped by two local redneck goons. Then she reads a passage out of The Prophet and realizes that she NEEDED to be gang-raped in order to effectuate her personal growth! Thanks, redneck goons!

Legend of Bigfoot
A “documentary” that seems to be entirely assembled from stock nature footage, this movie truly is something to see—and NOT something to see while in any way sober. Our hero is on a quest to find evidence of Bigfoot that takes him all over North America, with frequent diversions to mind the courtship of ground squirrels. But the hilariously inept and overly earnest narration, combined with the completely off-topic nature of its accompanying footage, can make you start giggling and keep giggling—as long as soberness is kept firmly at bay. Hey, did you know that mountain goats are so afraid of Bigfoot that they willingly kill themselves [by eating dirt, which as is widely accepted turns to cement inside the stomach] rather that face his terrifying wrath? Uh-huh. They do.

Other notable elements:

I Bury the Living
Like a good Twilight Zone episode in which this guy finds he can kill people simply by putting a marker on a graveyard map.

Deep Red
Hey, a Dario Argento movie for forty cents, yo.

Bad Taste
Peter Jackson’s splatter horror comedy. Forty cents.