How bad IS 'John Carter?'

Released: 
2012
Director: 
Andrew Stanton
Starring: 
Taylor Kitsch, Lynn Collins, Willem Dafoe, Samantha Morton

Surely by now you've heard that John Carter, the latest effects-packed empty money-suck from Disney has turned out to be a notorious flop. A flop of the kind that inspires amateur critics on the IMDb to lash out with their most creative prose. Here's a survey of the most descriptive lines from the critical mass:

I want to beat the producers with a hammer until their skulls are split open so zombies can eat them easier.

I will say that I am confident that I could eat the scripts to any 3 films ever written and shit out a more entertaining movie than John Carter.

I would rather spend 132 minutes on fire than watch this again.

Please, don't sodomize your children with this abomination.

I really wish a time machine would go back and erase the 2 hours of me watching this movie.

I was bored to tears for 2 hours and never want to experience JOHN CARTER again!

If a bomb exploded and killed [all the characters] off, I wouldn't have cared.

Even 13-year-olds walked out the theater!


.

If you loved Jar Jar Binks from the awful Star Wars prequels then you should love these deeply silly and dumb looking CGI dino-aliens.

Fight in the audience... we get engrossed and miss the ending. Better ending was the guy in the audience going down from a single punch.

Imagine an incompetent remake of Lawrence of Arabia by animation nerds, filled with gibberish dialog and then put thru the Disney Studio suits committee.

I have never before seen a film that made me wish I could unsee it and somehow make sure no one else suffered the same 132-minute punishment.

Overall, one of the worst movies ever endured.

I would rather take an 8hr defensive driving class than watch this movie ever again.

I want my money back, 2 1/2 hours of my life, and an apology from Disney.

Awful. Terrible. Disastrous. Degraging. Violating.

Please do yourself a favor and stay away from the movie. Spending time with family/friends would do more good.

I got nothing but dirty looks from my wife [through] 3D goggles throughout the duration of the movie.

Someone was threatened by an usher to be ejected from the movie for having their cellphone on. I wish I'd been ejected so I could have saved myself the 2 hours wasted.

The most amusing thing to hear, I kid you not, was the guy snoring next to me. Yes, snoring, at a 7pm movie, you can't make this up!

This was worse than the last Pirates of The Caribbean movie, and that's saying something.

I really hope there isn't part 2.

The thing is...and listen up movie makers...the DARK BROODING ANTIHERO IS NOW THE Cliché!! It's been 50 years now of the same freaking character in every movie, for God's sake. The irony of the John Carter movie is that if they had made him the old-fashioned hero that he originally was, with no dark side, no murdered family haunting his memories, no ambivalent attitude toward society, THAT would have been breaking the cliché!

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