Monstroid

Monsters vs. Mustaches

1979

Review: June 10, 2008

Director: Kenneth Hartford

Starring: James Mitchum, John Carradine, Anthony Eisley, Stella Calle

Without doubt.

THE SETUP:

Poison from a chemical company has created a giant man-eating monster down in Columbia.

DISCUSSION:

So one day the DVD store down the street from where I work had these Elvira sets on sale for $5 each, and they each had two movies on them, so who cares that I've never heard of the movies, right? And so far, they've all been pretty good [the other one I've watched so far was the quite rewarding Blue Sunshine]. This one has a giant monster that eats people, so that piqued my interest, and that was even before I knew it was jam-packed with hot macho men with mustaches and cocky sunglasses.

We begin with a title informing us that the story we're about to see is based on FACT! Oh yes. The incident that inspired this film occurred in Columbia in 1971. Then we have a couple making out in a hammock on the beach, then there's a rustle in the bushes, and the guy is killed, while the woman faints. We see a claw. After the credits, we get a title informing us, again, that this is based on a true story. Which is good, because I was a little skeptical before, but now that they've told me twice, I know it must really be true! This is a movie you can trust, folks.

So we open with this guy Barnes and his secretary briefing this other guy, Bill, re: the deal on their cement plant in Columbia. Barnes sets the movie off right with his astonishingly sexist, racist comments, and the fact that he signals he's ready to flip to the next slide by grabbing his secretary's ass! Pete learns about how there's a ton of pollution in the lake the plant discharges into, that local revolutionary Victor Sanchez is stirring up trouble, as is intrepid reporter Patty Clark. So Bill is sent down there to set everything right. Hey, by the way, did you know that this is based on a true story?

Once we get to Columbia it becomes readily apparent that we are going to witness a near-endless parade of hot Latin guys with staches, many in uniforms. That's enough to keep me watching with avid interest. At the airport Bill encounters white, blonde Patty Clark, the kind of reporter who seemingly runs up to every person she sees, shoves a mic in their face, and starts asking snidely insinuating questions about the role they play in poisoning the innocent native peoples. Victor Sanchez soon happens on the scene, saying that they "want freedom from the evil foreigners, and freedom from the evil of their creation." Meanwhile, the woman from the first scene is now a widow, who is embraced by some, but harassed [stoned, to be exact... but the kind of 'stoned' in which people throw stones at you] by these local supporters of the plant or whoever. I confess I wasn't putting a lot of effort into figuring out who all these people were, relying instead on the historical record of this absolutely factual re-enactment. Somewhere in here there are two kids tossing a Frisbee for this sweet German Shepard to fetch from the lake, and I was starting to worry that the innocent beast would end up monstroid-fodder, but I am pleased to report that he ends up running from the lake whimpering, but unscathed.

Now something that ensures that this film will probably remain safe from appearing on Lifetime Television for Women. Pete, the manager of the cement plant, and quite a looker in his own right, encounters the blonde Laura, his former secretary. It seems that Pete dumped Laura, and she is not at all happy about it. Not. At. All. Pete is pretty harsh—he informs her that yes, he left her for someone younger and prettier ["It was fun while it lasted"], and then goes ahead and tells her who it is! Laura mocks his new girlfriend, saying "She probably thinks you get pregnant from kisses," to which Pete replies "Well, YOU certainly know that you can't." Then there's some other bullshit with Patty Clark or whatever, and some other stuff, during which we are getting great amusement out of the nonsensical editing, seemingly accomplished by four blind monkeys and a roll of Scotch tape, then we return to the Laura and Pete saga. Laura has, quite sensibly, decided to sun herself by the lake in the pitch black of night, when Pete shows up. Laura makes a last, desperate ploy for Pete's affections by throwing her moist love at him and seeing if it sticks and—it does! They do the scrumpy! [Not shown.] THEN Pete tells her that he feels like a heel, because he actually came out to the lake to tell her once and for all that they're finished, and hey, no hard feelings, huh? Laura doesn't have to feel bad about it too long, though, as, after a classic way-overdramatic scream [around 23:45, worth it] she gets bitten right in two! Man, she really is having a shitty day!

Now, around this time this guy whom I have dubbed the "Sweetie Cop" starts showing up, with his friendly, doofussy face with nice big mustache and police cap, and I report with pleasure that rather than just be an anonymous background player, he actually becomes more prominent and actually plays a major role by the end! You are also certainly familiar with the CdM Random Movie Hunk of the Year award—and I'm sure you are eagerly awaiting the announcement of next year's winner!—but this film made me consider creating some kind of Special Achievement in Hunkitude Ensemble Cast Award, because we have an ALARMING number of hot sexy 70s hunks with mustaches here, and I feel that their contribution must be recognized in some way. And this is even BEFORE Bill starts bopping in his short-shorts with his man-sausage clearly bouncing along with every move he makes.

Meanwhile Patty Clark is still sidling up to everyone within sight and asking insinuating questions. The story that the company is seriously trying to float is that there's a shark in the LAKE, which Patty ain't buying, and Bill wants her to back off. "Look, I know there's a pollution problem, but we're working on it." Oh okay, sure, we're dying, but as long as you're working on it! Can you imagine if the Bush administration said the same sort of thing about global warming—oh wait, they have!

SPOILERS > > >
So Pete has installed a space-age sonar system on the shore of the lake, which he then IGNORES at the crucial moment in order to go screw! This Pete fella, he's gotta get that thing on a leash. Because of Pete's negligence, two drunken fishermen end up dead. Actually, there's not much Pete could have done, and the guys are no big loss. I guess he was right to get some pole action when the opportunity presented itself.

So somewhere in here someone has come up with the genius idea of loading a dead sheep with explosives, dragging it from a helicopter and thus literally fishing for monster by helicopter. They do, Pete having to walk along with this dead sheep in his arms, and just the very sight of that, plus the subsequent sight of this helicopter dragging a sheep carcass across the surface of the lake, make this a bad movie classic. Anyway, so the monster finally makes its full-sunlight appearance—which is maybe a mistake on the part of the filmmakers, but whatever. It swallows the sheep, and then Pete is fumbling with the detonator, fumbling, thinking, waiting, fumbling, then—he drops it out of the helicopter into the water! Fucking moron, Pete!

So after noting that we have had some blatant day-night-day edits, Bill jumps out of the helicopter into the water in order to blow up the monstroid. In order to keep the monstroid away, the Sweetie Cop takes the speedboat and risks life, limb and mustache in order to keep the beast away from Bill. Not like you can tell from the movie, as it just looks like he's driving in circles around a big carved log, but I'm quite sure this is what he is doing. So Bill has to find this tiny detonator in the big lake—which is hanging from a cord that is hanging out of the monstroid's mouth. He finally finds it, then there's some bullshit as he swims around while you're at home saying "What? Push the button, you fucking goddamned idiot!" but there is some mention that they need to stretch the cord taut—but not too taut—for it to work. Fucking idiotic dumb arbitrary rules. Anyway, though some particularly incomprehensive editing, we piece together that the monster has exploded.

We then see the people on shore celebrating, and I liked the concept that the company that polluted the lake in the first place is now the HERO, because they got rid of the monster. Then we have more of the kids and their German Shepherd from the beginning, which is named Takei. Fucking Star Trek-loving brats. Anyway, the dog finds an EGG! That HATCHES! And then we pan over to see a whole nest filled with maybe 30 eggs! It's ominous, for sure [I know I didn't sleep that night], but… so apparently these monstroids reproduce asexually? Or is there another one of them down there? The same issue plagued Dragonslayer, but that one at least had a compelling story to make it all not quite as glaring.
< < < SPOILERS END

I would say it depends on how drunk or otherwise off your face you are. I watched this in three parts, clearly unable to take all that excitement in one sitting. The first part, for which I was fairly trashed, I found DELIGHTFUL. The second viewing, while reasonably sober, I was totally bored by and turned off after a few short minutes. Then the last part was okay, but I also knew it would be over soon. And there was a lot more Sweetie Cop.

Overall, it's pretty amusing in terms of just being terrible and bizarre, with funny characters [and a ton of them] and many a complicated character twist, monster attacks, and eventually, the revelation of this immobile wooden monster that is supposedly behind all the menace. Yeah, this is a fairly good bad movie, all in all, just be aware that it really is bad, ALL bad.

SHOULD YOU WATCH IT?

Yes! Delightfully awful through and through.