I saw a preview for this on the DVD of Hell’s Angels ’69 [all those Joe Bob Briggs DVDs seem to have tantalizing trailers on them], and was suckered into moving it right to the top of my list. In retrospect, it's something I could have lived without.
We find out from the Joe Bob Briggs introduction [usually quite informative] that this movie was found in somebody’s basement and never actually released. After viewing the movie I think “well, it’s no worse than a lot of stuff that WAS released, but on the other hand I think maybe the world has been a better place without it.” So them the movie starts.
So it would seem that some L.A. police precinct has recruited this Samurai Cop [SC] who went off and studied in Japan or wherever, and now is back, and they’re going to use him to bring down this other Japanese guy who’s doing something evil, but I couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to what. Samurai Cop looks like Fabio, but with dark hair, and a face that quite resembles Sylvester Stallone. Apparently in real life he was a bodyguard to Stallone.
Anyway, the tone is set by this completely suspense-free surveillance scene, in which SC and his jovial black partner make obscene sexual banter with the ‘hot’ blonde helicopter pilot, while the electronic score, by Alen Dermarderossian [isn't that a skin condition?], plays. It sounds like an instrumental version of the Pointer Sisters’ “I’m So Excited.” During an exciting auto chase shortly following the helicopter episode, SC demonstrates how if someone is shooting at you, you should weave your head side to side. This is a different fighting method than that displayed in the recent Charlie’s Angels movies [maybe they trained under different Japanese masters?] in which we learn that if someone is shooting at you, the best thing to do is a backflip.
So one of the people they were chasing gets burned as is put in the hospital. There, SC and a nurse have a long conversation as to whether SC is circumcised, because if not, he’ll have “more.” Then the black guy offers that HE’S got more. SC needs the burned guy alive so he can spill about the bad guys, so of course the bad folks send in their red-headed baddie woman, who poses as a nurse who’s GOT to take out the trash. Hiding in the trash is the baddie’s lead henchman, played by Robert Z’Dar, of Maniac Cop fame. Z’Dar gently slices off the burned guys’ head and drops it in a bag for later, then they take off. The dense hospital security catches on a moment to late, and follows the villains, repeating “Hey, wait a minute! I want to talk to you!” Then there’s this big parking lot shootout, in which someone's Caprice Classic takes a lot of bullets.
Back at police headquarters, the beleaguered police chief states: “I feel like somebody shoved a club up my ass. And it hurts.” Next time remember, Mr. Police Chief, lots of lube, and fingers first.
Then SC goes to the restaurant that the bad guy hangs out in, where he meets him, but is also transfixed by his blonde girlfriend, who also owns the restaurant. She, like all women, is sent into paroxysms of lust over the studly Samurai Cop. He later stops by and flirts with her, inviting her to his house for a grand lunch he has made. SC slips into his high-cut Speedo, and they frolic in the surf. Apparently it’s her birthday, and SC appears, still in Speedo, with a birthday cake, while a positively adorable pile of teddy bears, apparently his, repose in the background. Apparently SC is unaware that adult men with teddy bears are the leading cause of low sexual desire in this country.
Anyway, while SC and his new woman are enjoying some sensual lovemaking [which consists of them rubbing their swimsuits together and exchanging tepid kisses], the bad guys are trying to find out where SC lives. Now, the bad guys have apparently kept close track of SC’s movements throughout the film, as they always seem able to sneak up and surprise him wherever he goes, but for some reason they cannot figure out where he lives. They torture his black partner by holding his dick and threatening to cut this “black gift” off. Then they go to his female partner’s house and pour hot cooking grease on her body as she writhes in agony, which Robert Z’Dar, in his interview included on the disc, says was “a lot of fun.”
Nice lion-head decor, huh?
Anyway, it’s showdown time. There’s a big fight at SC’s house, and SC and Z’Dar wave their samurai swords around a lot in ways that are supposed to look authentic or something. Oh, Z’Dar, by the way, has also been trained by the samurai. Between this and Kill Bill, it’s like; so do the samurai just let ANYBODY come and train? Is it like those old ‘Draw Tippy’ art correspondence courses? “If you can cut this page, you can be a Samurai!” One imagines a low-rent strip mall in Tokyo with a whole bunch of Samurai Training Centers. “Be a Samurai in seven days with our intensive course!”
So SC wins the fight, at which point Z’Dar says “You know the code of the Bushida! Kill me!” SC won’t do it, so Z’Dar does it himself. I need hardly tell you how very moving this scene is, majesty and honor of the samurai, all that.
Overall, relatively amusing to fast-forward through, but you would have to be packing some significant booze and have a few friends over to make this bearable to get all the way through. And then you think back and remember that this was never released. Hmmm… maybe some film canisters were never meant to be opened.