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Voodoo Black Exorcist
Wa-HAA! Wa-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh!
1973
Review: June 27, 2009
Director: Manuel Cano
Starring: Aldo Sambrell, Tanyeka Stadler, Eva Leon, Fernando Sancho
You’ll need it, as strong as possible
THE SETUP:
Mummy is brought on board cruise ship. Starts killing people while searching for the reincarnation of his lost love.
DISCUSSION:
This is from my new 50 Drive-In Classics movie set, from which I have watched four movies so far, none of which have blown my socks off, but not totally sucked, either. This was watched sooner rather than later because it was described as a made-for-TV movie in which a mummy whose tomb was opened on a cruise ship killing the passengers one by one… which made me wonder if it was a movie I used to watch on TV as a kid. But it wasn’t. Would you believe that there are at least two movies out there concerning a mummy on a cruise ship?
The first thing we see is this woman swimming directly at the camera, making me wonder if she’s going to attack us. Her and this rather handsome bald black man are frolicking in the surf as this insane exotica music starts going “Wa-HAA! Wa-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh!!” Then—white guy in blackface! Actually he’s in black body paint, as he’s just wearing some shorts, because he is supposed to be a native, despite the fact that he’s just some middle-aged very white man. He looks like Bill the plumber from Puxatawney, Illinois. It’s just kind of shocking, given the associations to it now, to see anyone in blackface. Anyway, apparently this fellow is somehow involved with the woman or jealous or something, because he and the tall handsome guy tussle, and the white one ends up falling on his machete. No, I mean, he really falls on it, because it’s lying completely flat under him, but somehow it has still killed him. Then we cut to this voodoo ritual scene which can accurately be described “ooga booga,” where they cut the woman’s head off and dance with it [I guess this WASN’T a made-for-TV movie…], then drug the studly dude and topless woman get on top of him and writhe [I guess this REALLY wasn’t a made-for-tv movie]. And all this is in the first five minutes. Welcome to Voodoo Black Exorcist!
So, native dancing, then—cut to stalactites! We are now in a cave where they place the coffin of Yatenepo, the handsome bald black guy. We hear a horrible voice-over tell us that “horrible things will start again,” then—cut to rocket launch! The music suddenly goes MOD and we have our credits, during which we see that this movie stars Aldo Sambrell, a relatively familiar face from spaghetti westerns, as well as people named Tanyeka Stadler, Richard Rod [total porn name], and Harry and Mary A. River. Now it is 1973, and we see the coffin being raised from a river and placed upon a cruise ship. This guy tells this fellow Freddy that he has to guard the coffin—yes, even sleep there—and then walks off. Freddy doesn’t even get a chance to say “What? The WHOLE TRIP?” But no matter, I don’t think we ever see Freddy again.
Okay, so now the movie proper starts… we are on a cruise ship with an INSANE cast of bizarre 70s Euro-folks, all poorly dubbed into English. This movie is of Spanish origin, and the whole thing is supposed to convey what Spaniards might consider “sexy” and “luxury” in 1973. Foremost among our cast is Albert Thorndyke, suave older bearded man, who asks his companion, Sylvia, to refresh him on how long they’ve been together. “As your secretary for three years… your companion for two,” she replies. We then meet MRS. Thorndyke, who has a crazy blonde beehive piled up in the manner of a Pekinese and who is constantly doing her tarot cards. She tells everyone, in her obnoxiously unctuous voice, that her cards foretell an “unexpected visitor.” She feels this is serious enough news to alert the captain with. It won’t be but three minutes before you are screaming “SHUT UP!” every time she comes on screen.
Then the mummy—which is not dried and shriveled, but just Aldo Sambrell with what looks like wet brown paper towels on him—rehydrates and goes out and kills a crew member, stealing his uniform. Now on the one hand he had the brains to steal the uniform, on the other, he seems to be playing everything else as though he is a fugitive from an earlier time and doesn’t understand anything. Anyway, soon he sees Sylvia, who he knows instantly is the reincarnation of the woman from the prologue [although they look nothing alike] and for some reason this causes him to suddenly dehydrate again. He needs a moisturizer that offers 24 hour hydration, even après-swim. Somehow he makes it back to his coffin? Then, a few scenes later, the guy who was in blackface in the first scene gets stabbed in the neck with the mummy’s ring. Then—“Wa-HAH! WA-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho!”
Yes, we have already had several completely inappropriate, rather-too-long flashbacks to the frolicking in the surf scene from the beginning, all overbleached in orange, and repeats of its signature music, the aforementioned “Wa-HAH!” This comes back an additional six times throughout the movie, most often accompanied by extreme close-ups of the wooden severed head they’ve cocked up to look like [in the loosest sense of the phrase] Tanyeka from the beginning.
Then the mummy gets rehydrated [Gatorade!] and put his mojo on Sylvia, which is expressed through a stunning reverse-jump cut. Her body is placed in his control! When she snaps to, she confesses to the doctor all about the mad sexual passion she felt while she was catatonic, how her body was taken over, how she had no control! Until you at home are like “Okay, sweetie, we got all the detail we need,” but the doctor is still peppering her with questions. Then the mummy thinks that a good gift to break the ice with Sylvia might be a severed head in the bed. It certainly is a conversation-starter!
By now the mummy is more hydrated than not, and introduced himself to the doctor, who is impressed with his vast body of knowledge. “Three centuries in museums,” the mummy responds, “I have learned many, many things.” There are several LAYERS of things wrong with this statement. First, if he was in a museum, did he have liberty to run around and look at the other exhibits? And wouldn’t he ONLY know all about Natural History or art more than any other topic? And for three centuries? Somehow I suspect that museums in 1673 weren’t quite what they are today. And finally—the movie showed us for a fact that the mummy spent that whole time in a cave at the bottom of a river! The mummy also lets us in on a little maxim that has helped him get through the ups and downs of being a desiccated corpse: “In infinite time, what must happen, happens.” So shit happens, huh? This is what you learned in three centuries of museums? At the bottom of the river?
So he’s courting Sylvia suavely when suddenly he starts drying up again! And some guys only have to worry about erectile dysfunction. At this point I have written in my notes: “UNBELIEVABLE. Cannot be explained,” referring to the entire movie in general. So if something in this review fails to make sense, that’s probably because the entire thing refuses what scientists define as “logic.” Anyway, things wrap up right quick: The ship docks, and the mummy steals a car [three centuries in museums, you know] and kidnaps Sylvia, taking her back to the cave [which, as you will recall, is supposedly now underwater]. He tells her he has been searching centuries, and has now found her. She discreetly offers him a mint. They’re about to consummate their undead and undying passion when some pesky dude shows up with a flamethrower! The mummy goes up like that, and I’m afraid he’s holding Sylvia in his arms when he does—we hear her scream! Then the movie abruptly ends, just like that.
Yeah, it was awful. It’s one of those things that starts out AMAZINGLY BAD, where you are just staring in rapt wonder at the screen unable to believe what you’re seeing—and wholly unable to prepare yourself for what you might see next. But, like too many of these wildly bad movies, there’s just too much inane wackiness and too little story or character to hold onto, and very soon the whole things just becomes tedious. This, however, can often be overcome through the presence of friends, as you can just gossip and talk through parts of it, lessening the eventual tedium. You might want to prepare some discussion topics beforehand. For solo viewing, I would think twice. You’d have to be pretty drunk, and even so…
SHOULD YOU WATCH IT?
With friends, maybe. If not, maybe watch it in parts or [recommended] don’t watch it at all!
