War of the Robots

Intruders in blond pageboys
Alfonso Brescia
Antonio Sabato, Yanti Sommer, Malisa Longo, Patrizia Gori
The Setup: 
Idiotic Italian Star Wars rip-off from 1978.

When I first got my 50 Chilling Classics boxed set, it was a slow day at work, so I looked up all 50 movies on the IMDb and made a note of the user rating it got [nothing on the boxed set got above a four, although some of those movies are clear gems], the running time [very important to me] and a quick note on its defining features as distilled from a quick glance at the user comments. The note I made for this movie was “Italians in blue tights.” So obviously this one was among the first picked when I was without a clear direction for what to watch.

It was a mistake. It was just too trashy for me. We’ll come back to this. The movie begins with this professor who is in love with Lois, his redheaded assistant. He is meddling with the process of creating new life. Suddenly intruders with blond pageboy haircuts are everywhere, and they kidnap the professor and Lois. This is a problem for the people left behind, as only the professor understands the workings of the reactor, and without his input the whole thing will explode in eight days.

Then this guy takes a spacewalk while music plays that sounds like some automated organ at a state fair or carnival. Then this ship lands on the planet where the professor and Lois are with the intent of rescuing them. Oh, by the way, there are a great deal of people in blue tights, but the guys at least had shirts on that came down mid-thigh, so nothing of interest could be seen. After they land, someone says “Telescopic stair functioning—ready to go.” Then some guy—possibly the lead guy [I don’t remember], talks about how every time he takes command, he has to put on an old pair of cowboy boots. Why, you rake. Amongst the crew on the hero’s side is a woman with short spiky hair, in love with the captain, and a woman with a blonde pageboy—though apparently she’s not evil. By the way, the captain [or whoever] is played by Antonio Sabato, father of Antonio Sabato Junior. Mmmm yeah, Hollywood royalty.

Somewhere in here they’re looking at something and say “It’s crazy! Like the horrors of human flesh!” and, as they’re about to head into battle with the pageboy-bots [they turn out to be robots] “Let’s teach these gold men a lesson!” They find the professor, but he doesn’t want to go. He likes it there. There’s a fight with lightsabers, and then the Empress appears, and makes the rescue crew a part of the professor’s experiments. “Now I can use them… like guinea pigs!” he says. But then Lois bargains her body for her bud’s lives. She comes on hard to the professor [who is OLD and yucky] by saying “You asked me to be more explicit… [she kisses him]. Explicit enough? In return for the lives of your friends I offer you… myself,” to which the professor responds “all right.”

Anyway, so Lois sets them all free, and they have a big gunfight and then escape the planet, but by then there’s only three hours until the reactor explodes [those eight days went by pretty fast!]. Then there is this interminable space dogfight that… is really about the very worst thing you will ever see. And it goes on FOR EVER. I was just fast-forwarding through the entire thing by this time, so I didn’t find out how they averted the entire place blowing up, but somehow they do. The end.

It was just too crappy for me. If you don’t watch bad movies all that often, you might be amused by it, but by now I’ve seen so much I’m not really amused by just the average piece of total shit anymore. As a friend of mine said regarding this website: “How long can you look into the merde before the merde starts looking into you?” This certainly has the ridiculous sights and poorly dubbed dialogue and ludicrous story and hideous acting and all that, but… I’ve been there. Maybe you haven’t. Gather some friends and get FUCKIN’ DRUNK and pop this in and maybe… otherwise I would steer clear. I don’t even know why I fast-forwarded to the end.

Should you watch it: 

If you are WASTED and have a few friends around. Even so, I would have an alternate selection and perhaps some prepared discussion topics on hand.