Wonderland

John Holmes in Roshomon

2003

Review: April 25, 2008

Director: James Cox

Starring: Val Kilmer, Kate Bosworth, Dylan McDermott, Lisa Kudrow, Josh Lucas, Eric Bogosian

Sure, why not? I mean, aside from the dead brain cells thing.

THE SETUP:

Multiple views of the Wonderland murders, a brutal crime that involved porn star John Holmes.

DISCUSSION:

I had bought a screener of this at a garage sale like two years ago, and it just sat on my shelf, having heard that it wasn't all that great. Then one night I'm sitting around, nothing on hand from Netflix, wondering what from my own collection to watch when suddenly the thought entered my head: VAL KILMER AS JOHN HOLMES! What the fuck was I thinking, just sitting there? Naturally I immediately sprang into action.

This being a screener intended for video stores, there is a five-minute promo that cannot be skipped or fast-forwarded through that precedes the movie, telling all sorts of patently untrue LIES about what a SENSATION this movie was at the box office and how its stars caused a MEDIA FRENZY for interviews upon its release and how it just might garner OSCAR ACCLAIM and is poised to EXPLODE at home video. I've seen these before and I never quite get it—do they really think that video store owners/buyers don't follow movies AT ALL? And wouldn't have heard that this movie received poor to tepid reviews and essentially flopped upon release? Do they think all video store owners were on vacation in Botswana when this was released?

Anyway, when we finally get to the movie we begin with a title telling us that this movie takes place after John Holmes wasn't doing porn anymore and was basically washed up. Then we join Kate Bosworth as Dawn hanging out in some park in L.A., having left her boyfriend, John Holmes. She is picked up and invited home by some woman trolling to help runaways, and you're like—"Is that Carrie Fisher?"—and sure enough, that is Carrie Fisher. Somehow Holmes finds Dawn there after a few days, barges in, and takes Dawn into the bathroom, where they do coke. Carrie walks in on them fucking on the counter, then John and Dawn take off without so much as a "thanks a lot." I'll bet Carrie gets a lot of that. Then we have an energetic credits sequence that shows footage and photos of the real Holmes as we see that we're facing an all-star cast, some of whom—like Janeane Garofalo and Natasha Gregson Wagner—I didn't even notice, having watched the entire movie.

Okay, so Dawn and Holmes are off on their exciting new life, he just has to make one stop… then another stop… then… because he is basically delivering drugs. As she waits outside one apartment, a piece of stereo equipment suddenly breaks through a window, and Holmes appears again seconds later. We will see several different versions of this scene throughout the film. Holmes takes Dawn to a motel, then takes off, leaving her there while we have a montage describing his crazy drug-fueled nights and days, cleverly presented as images floating over television listings of the time. Holmes finally comes back, really fucked up and clearly traumatized, and when they turn on the TV they see that there has been a brutal murder of three people at a house on Wonderland drive.

SPOILERS > > >
We now join Dylan McDermott as badass biker Dave Lind as he goes to the house, and is soon taken in by police. He says Holmes is behind it all, and starts giving his version of events. Dave was friends with the highly unstable Josh Lucas as Ron, who seems to be constantly high, is clearly very dangerous, and has gotten his hands on some antique guns. He wants Homes to take the guns to nightclub owner and notorious gangster Eddie Nash and sell them. Holmes goes, then doesn't come back for some time, and when he does he says that Nash took the guns and wouldn't give any cash. Ron tells Holmes to get the money or the guns, and he comes back with a plan for them to rob Nash and get the guns back. They go over and come back with an incredible score of cash, drugs, etc., all cleverly tallied right there on the screen. Then Ron refuses to give Holmes an even cut, and at some point someone throws the stereo through the glass door. Then Holmes makes Dawn go over and fuck Nash, which leaves her the broken shell of a woman.

So Dawn goes over to her Holmes' wife Sharon's house, because she has nowhere else to go. Sharon is played by the genius of Lisa Kudrow, who does not seem too thrilled to play host to her husband's girlfriend, who, we are beginning to realize, is incredibly dumb and still way stuck on Holmes who, we find out, started up with her when she was 15.

Anyway, despite Sharon telling Dawn to just forget Holmes and "put all the bad stuff in a box and never look at it again," Dawn is still hung up. Holmes shows up again, saying he has worked a deal with the police where he'll get immunity for his testimony and he, Dawn and Sharon can go into the witness protection program. Like, right then. There's some classic Kudrow [but ostensibly serious, not comic, although the whole thing is hilarious] where she refuses to give up her entire life at the drop of a hat and he can't BELIEVE IT, and insists that she do it. This scene was almost worth watching the whole movie for.

So Holmes soon begins telling his version of the story to the incredibly attractive Latino detective played by Franky G., whom I must make love to immediately. After a very short cameo by Paris Hilton [as a kind of celebrity placement?], Holmes tells the detectives that the whole thing happened because Dave and Ron were really jonesing for drugs. They hit Nash, and later Nash tortures Holmes into giving them up. So Holmes supposedly left the door open for the guys to get into the Wonderland house to do the slaying, and at one point we see someone essentially make Holmes bludgeon one guy. There is a point in here where the editing is moving very quickly back and forth between the murders and the detectives, and the rhythm is just off, it just doesn't quite work. After the murders he goes over to Sharon's and confesses, having a moment where he bemoans that "everyone wants that thing," i.e. his penis. This, it seems, is there merely to relate this whole thing to his penis in some way. Anyway, that's it, we find out his side of the story, we see Dawn and John leave for Florida, and that's the end.
< < < SPOILERS END

Interesting! Well-done! Involving! But ultimately, not all that great. Primarily because this movie doesn't have much reason for being, except for the fact that this murder happened to involve John Holmes. If it didn't, I doubt there's be much interest on anyone's part at all, and certainly no movie. The movie uses a lot of flashy visual tricks and editing schemes—most of which work and are not obtrusive—but the big problem is that it has nothing to say. It tells its story and then abruptly ends. Are we supposed to be impressed with the hearing of the same story from differing perspectives? The performances are fine—I like Val Kilmer quite a bit, and he's good here, as is Kate Bosworth and even Josh Lucas. Kudrow is, of course, amazing, and it's nice to see her in a purely dramatic, serious part. I do have kind of a problem with Dylan McDermott as a tough, badass biker; I never bought him for a second. He looks like a wussy little pretty boy playing dress-up, and this invites all sorts of thoughts about how Hollywood has become too pretty and sanitized to have anyone be convincing in roles where they aren't supposed to be pretty and sanitized.

The thing is, there's just no point. It tells the story, and that's it, leaving you wonder why you just wasted your time watching all that. James Cox's direction was lively and inventive… maybe next time he'll make a movie that has a point.

SHOULD YOU WATCH IT?

If you want, but you could read an article and get about the same effect.