Abraxas

Deadbeat dads from beyond the moon
★
☆☆☆
Released: 
1991
Director: 
Damian Lee
Starring: 
Jesse Ventura, Sven-Ole Thorsen, Marjorie Bransfield
The Setup: 
From the video box: An alien "policeman" arrives on Earth to apprehend a renegade of his own race who impregnates a woman with a potentially-destructive mutant embryo. ...Not a policeman, mind you, but a "policeman."
Discussion: 

I had always been curious about this movie for a few years, because it raised a number of vexing questions for me: Will Jesse Ventura take his shirt off? How long will he leave it off for? Will there be a sex scene? Will the rest of the movie at least provide some amusement? Well, when I saw this movie available on the permanence of DVD for the appropriate price of $1.99 [with another movie on the same DVD, no less-that's 98.5 cents per movie!], I was finally able to satisfy my curiosity.

A tragically mustache-free Ventura assuages the multi-layered role of Abraxas, a "policeman" from some planet that looks like the borrowed backroom of a local cable access studio. These "policemen" go around catching criminals, but-can you BELIEVE it?-one of these "policemen" has gone bonkers and stolen the anti-life equation, which could lead to the destruction of the universe.

This renegade "policeman" is played by Sven-something-something, who turns out to have been the hunky Russian with no lines in Hunt for Red October [and I totally remember him!]. This "policeman" is on Earth to impregnate a woman with his child, who will then possess the anti-life equation, which, as everyone knows, is enough to destroy the universe, as well as fend off schoolyard bullies. In the lame-o move to end all lame-o moves, hunky, bearded Sven impregnates a woman by simply placing his hand on her belly, thus precluding any scenes in which he strides into a biker bar and sizes up a woman's uterus, or picks up white trash hos by the side of the road, or any other kind of prurient fun. No, he just places his hand on her belly. I should warn you now that he never takes his shirt off, either. Good thing this shit only cost $0.98.

The woman [Sonia] grows big and gives birth before you can say "dingleberry," and Abraxas, troubled by a moral conscience that no "policeman" should have, cannot bear to kill her. A few seconds later, the kid is about 10, and the movie turns into a Terminator rip-off, clearly made for less than it costs to biggie-size an extra value meal.

This is the kind of movie in which one of the aliens says: "They're headed to a small planet called. Earth."

They chase. They fight. But then the big moment arrives. Jessie whips the shirt off. Not only does he appear shirtless [and bulging and hairy], but it's in the context of a borderline molestation scenario in which he lays, presumably naked, in bed, asking the little kid: "Do you want to climb up here with me? I'll tell you a story." I thought it was my dirty mind alone having these wicked thoughts, so I was relieved to see a few people on IMDb mention that they got this feeling from the scene as well. How come a naked Jesse Ventura [or some reasonable facsimile] never asked me to climb up and snuggle with him when I was young and impressionable? Because I wasn't an alien baby in possession of the anti-life equation, obviously, but WHY COULDN'T I BE AN ALIEN BABY IN POSSESSION OF THE ANTI-LIFE EQUATION!!??!?! WHY!!!?!?!? I'm fuckin' filing for disability, right fuckin' now!

Anyway, Jesse begins to understand the ways of this thing you humans call "love," by displaying his hairy man-pecs in the vicinity of horny hard-up housewife Sonia, who wants to school him in the ways of Earth passion, if only the talking robot attached to his forearm would shut the fuck up, and her obnoxious moppet would leave them alone. Listen kid, you had your chance with the hunky space-stallion, now it's time to move over and let Mommy play hop on pop.

Anyway, run run, chase chase, until we come to the "climax," in which an abandoned warehouse conveniently appears from out of nowhere in the middle of a field. They chase each other as some really lame 90s metal ballad plays [apparently there are a lot of lame songs, but I was fast-forwarding through most of them] and finally the thing ends. In a heart-stoppingly emotional finale, Jesse get permission to stay on Earth and love Earth women and be the Daddy little whats-his-name always wanted. So you see, it's all a cautionary tale about a deadbeat dad from beyond the stars, who came back years later and expected his son to welcome him, but wasn't able to respond to the kids' emotional needs, thus driving him into the arms of another intergalactic muscle-hunk. Fellas, let this be a lesson.

Should you watch it: 

It's sort of amusing, but there are a lot better, and a lot more amusing, movies out there. And in some of them Jesse Ventura has a mustache.