Coffee & Cigarettes

Throw away your time and money here!
☆☆☆☆☆
Released: 
2003
Director: 
Jim Jarmusch
Starring: 
Today's hottest, hippest celebrity in-crowd!
The Setup: 
A bunch of short films of interest to Jim Jarmusch, his mother, and those who like to see celebrities no matter what they do or do not do.
Discussion: 

Don't you wish that every time you scribbled with a crayon on a piece of paper that you could pick it up, hang it in a museum, and people would pay to see it? That's kind of what this film is like. Don't you think it's great that Jim Jarmusch has cool friends like Tom Waits and Cate Blanchett? So do I. But do I need to pay $10 to see Jim's cool friends ramble their insipid thoughts in pretentious and moronic vignettes? Well, obviously I do, because I did. But I'm really glad I did, because now I know for sure: Jim Jarmusch has REALLY COOL friends. That is about the sum total of what I came away from this movie with.

The vignettes vary from the medium-okay to the suicide-inducing. The worst one is the first one, with Stephen Wright and Roberto Begnini. The best one (and the only one featuring anything approaching a performance) is Cate Blanchett's conversation with herself. It's not that great, but at least you're watching some talent, and not JJ's cool friends just be themselves with the assurance that THAT IS ENOUGH. The other bearable one features Alfred Molina and Jim Coogan, but even this is a one-sentence joke stretched out to five minutes. The White Stripes, Pop/Waits, RZA/GZA/Bill Murray, and a number of others that I have already completely forgotten, are not worth watching. Unless of course, you are one of JJ's cool friends, or aspire to be. Or maybe if you're his mother.

If you do end up going, please note that the opening credits represent the order that the "personalities" (can't really describe them as actors in this case) appear. This will prove an invaluable guide to how much longer you're going to have to sit through this crap.

Be sure to keep an ear open for the world's longest version of "Crimson & Clover."

My friend and I were unsure whether to see this or "The Saddest Music in the World," which has gotten good reviews everywhere and is, you know, a film that is "written" and "constructed" and features "performances," but we decided to go see this because he didn't like the sound of anything taking place in Winnipeg. This film was sold out all night, while the other wasn't... and while I was watching, I was thinking, "Why is everyone coming to see this?" And the only conclusion I could come to was that it's because this one has CELEBRITIES. All those East Village hipster film enthusiasts... and all they really want is a slightly more artsy version of the Nick & Jessica Newlywed Show.

It's your money, but I can assure you wholeheartedly that your life will suffer absolutely no diminution in quality should you miss this.

Should you watch it: 

If you want to read Us Weekly but would rather disguise it as a love of "film."